Writing for Vaudeville · Chapter 21Part 21
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A dramatic entertainment is not written on paper. It is written with characters of flesh and blood. Strive as hard as man may, he can never fully foretell how an ink-written act will play. There is an inexplicable something which playing before an audience develops. Both the audience and the actors on the stage are affected. A play—the monologue and every musical form as well—is one thing in manuscript, another thing in rehearsal, and quite a different thing before an audience. Playing before an audience alone shows what a play truly is. Therefore, a play can only be made—after it is produced. Even in the fourth week of playing—the first week of metropolitan playing—Mr. Author and Mr. Producer made many changes in "Success" that were responsible for the long popularity it enjoyed. Mr. Author had learned his lesson well. He approached his next work with clearer eyes.
"THE GERMAN SENATOR," A Monologue, by Aaron Hoffman.
"THE ART OF FLIRTATION," A Two-Act, by Aaron Hoffman.
"AFTER THE SHOWER," A Flirtation Two-Act, by Louis Weslyn.
"THE VILLAIN STILL PURSUED HER," A Travesty Playlet, by Arthur Denvir.
"THE LOLLARD," A Comedy Playlet, by Edgar Allan Woolf.
"BLACKMAIL," A Tragic Playlet, by Richard Harding Davis.
"THE SYSTEM," A Melodramatic Playlet, by Taylor Granville.
"A PERSIAN GARDEN," A One-Act Musical Comedy, by Edgar Allan Woolf.
"My OLD KENTUCKY HOME," A One-Act Burlesque, by James Madison.
The nine acts which are given, complete, in the following pages are representative of the very best in vaudeville. Naturally, they do not show every possible vaudeville variation—a series of volumes would be required for that—but, taken together, they represent all the forms of the talking vaudeville act that are commonly seen.
The German Senator
This monologue by Aaron Hoffman has been chosen as perhaps the best example of the pure monologue ever written. Originally used by Cliff Gordon—continually being changed to keep it up-to-the-minute—it has, since his death, been presented by numerous successors of the first "German Senator." It is doubtful if any other dramatic work—or any other writing—of equal length, and certainly no monologue, has returned to its author so much money as "The German Senator" has earned.
The Art of Flirtation
For more years than perhaps any other vaudeville two-act, this exceptionally fine example of two-act form has been used by various famous German comedians. It may be considered to stand in much the same relation to the two-act that "The German Senator" does to the monologue. Its author, also Mr. Aaron Hoffman, holds a unique position among vaudeville and musical comedy writers.
After the Shower
This delightful little example of lover's nonsense was played for more than four years by Lola Merrill and Frank Otto. It has been instanced as one of the daintiest and finest flirtation-couple-acts that the two-a-day has seen. Mr. Louis Weslyn has written perhaps more successful acts of this particular style than any other author.
The Villain Still Pursued Her
This travesty, one of the most successful on record, was used for years to star Mrs. Frank Sheridan. Written by Mr. Arthur Denvir, whose specialty is travesties, it undoubtedly became the inspiration for the many similar acts that created the travesty-vogue of 1912-15.
The Lollard
Edgar Allan Woolf, who wrote this delightful satirical comedy, is perhaps the most successful writer of playlets in this country. For many years he has turned out success after success for famous legitimate stars, while still other performers have become vaudeville stars in his acts. Mr. Woolf himself chose "The Lollard" as representative of his best comedies. The star role, Angela Maxwell, was created in this country by Miss Regina Cornelli, and in England by Miss Hilda Trevelyan.
Blackmail
Richard Harding Davis needs no introduction. This remarkable little tragedy was produced for the Orpheum Circuit by Mr. Charles Feleky, who declares it to be "the best tragic playlet I have produced." From so eminent a vaudeville producer, this is, indeed, high praise. The character of Richard Fallon was created by Mr. Walter Hampden.
The System
Without doubt, this act is the best of the many big productions with which Mr. Taylor Granville has supplied The United Booking Offices of America, during his many years as a producing star. Mr. Junie McCree, who collaborated with Mr. Granville, was once president of "The White Rats," the vaudeville actors' union, and is now a successful vaudeville writer. Mr. Edward Clark, the third collaborator, has written many successful vaudeville acts.
"The System" is said to have been characterized by Mr. George M. Cohan as the best one-act melodrama he ever saw. Its extraordinary popularity in this country and in England is but added proof of the tenseness of its scenes and its great ending.
A Persian Garden
Played by Louis Simons season after season, this real comedy set to music is without question Mr. Edgar Allan Woolf's best effort in this field. Unlike the usual musical comedy, this act possesses dialogue interest as well as pleasing brilliancy. It has won its many years of success not because of scenery, costumes and the chorus, but by the sterling worth apparent in the manuscript divorced from them.
My Old Kentucky Home
Perhaps the most characteristic of the burlesque acts in vaudeville, this "Tab" has been played in various guises in the two-a-day and in burlesque for many seasons. It is the work of a writer who justly prides himself on his intimate knowledge of the burlesque form, and who possesses the most complete library of burlesque manuscripts in America. To the thousands of readers of "Madison's Budget," James Madison requires no introduction.
Permission to publish these acts has, in each instance, been personally granted to the author of this volume. This kind permission covers publication in this book only. Republication of these acts in whole or in part, in any form whatsoever, is expressly prohibited.
Stage presentation of any of the acts is likewise forbidden. A Special Warning has been inserted in the introductory page of every act, at the request of each author. The reason for such repetition is to be found in the commercial value of successful vaudeville material, and in the fact that the general public has never precisely understood the reservations permitted to the author of a dramatic work under the copyright law. Infringements of any sort are subject to severe penalties under United States law and will be rigidly prosecuted.
To the writers of these acts the author of this volume wishes to express his deep appreciation for the permissions that enable him to print as illustrations of his text some of the finest acts that vaudeville has ever seen.
The German Senator A Monologue
By Aaron Hoffman Author of "The Politicians," "The Belle of Avenue A," "The Newly-weds and their Baby", "Let George Do It," "School Days," Etc., Etc.
My dear friends and falling citizens:
My heart fills up with vaccination to be disabled to come out here before such an intelligence massage of people and have the chance to undress such a large conglomerated aggravation.
I do not come before you like other political speakers, with false pride in one hand and the Star Strangled Banana in the other.
I come before you as a true, sterilized citizen, a man who is for the public and against the people, and I want to tell you, my 'steemed friends, when I look back on the early hysterics of our country, and think how our forefathers strangled to make this country voss iss is it; when you think of the lives that was loosed and the blood that was shredded, we got to feel a feeling of patriotic symptoms—we got to feel a patriotic symp—symps—you got to feel the patri—you can't help it, you got to feel it.
I tell you, our hearts must fill up with indigestion when we look out to see the Statue of Liberty, the way she stands, all alone, dressed up in nothing, with a light in her hand, showing her freedom.
And what a fine place they picked out for Liberty to stand.
With Coney Island on one side and Blackwell's Island on the other.
And when she stands there now, looking on the country the way it is and what she has to stand for, I tell you tears and tears must drop from her eyes. Well, to prove it—look at the ocean she filled up.
And no wonder she's crying. Read the nuisance papers. See what is going on.
Look what the country owes.
According to the last report of the Secretary of the Pleasury, the United States owes five billion dollars.
Nobody knows what we owe it for;
And nobody ever sees what we have got for it; [1]
[1] Here begins the "Panama Canal point," referred to in Chapter V. It continues until the "End of Panama Canal Point" footnote below.
First read the monologue including this point, then read it skipping the point—thus you will see, first, what a complete "point" is; second, what "blending" means; and third, how a monologist may shorten or lengthen his routine by leaving out or including a point. [end footnote]
And if you go to Washington, the Capsule of the United States, and ask them, THEY don't even know THEMSELVES.
Then they say, what keeps the country broke is the Pay-no-more Canal.
It cost the Government nine thousand dollars an hour to dig the canal. THINK OF THAT!
Nine thousand dollars an hour for digging, and the worst of it is, they ain't digging.
Up to date, it has cost a hundred and seventy million dollars to dig a hole—they've been at it for over nine years—and the only hole they've dug is in the United States Treasury.
Every six months, the Chief Engineer, he comes up with a report;
He says: "Mr. Congress, the canal is getting better every day, a million dollars MORE please."
He gets the money, goes out, buys a couple of shovels, then sends back a telegram: HOORAY—The digging is very good, the two oceans will soon be one.
Can you beat that?
Before they started the canal it didn't cost us nothing, and we had two oceans.
And by the time they get through, it'll cost us three hundred million and we'll only have one.
And now that the canal is nearly finished, it looks like it was going to get us into trouble.
Japan is against it on one side and England don't like it on the other.
And that's why we've got to have a navy. [1]
[1] End of "Panama Canal point." See footnote above, also Chapter V.
Of course, we've got a navy.
But everybody is kicking about it.
Why should they kick?
All we appropriated for the navy last year was four million dollars.
And there's eighty million people in this country.
And that figures a nickel apiece.
And what the hell kind of a navy do you expect for a nickel?
Still they are crying that the country is in destitution circumstances. That is inconsis—inconsis—you can't deny it.
Our country has got a superabum, a superabum—a superabum—we've got a lot of money.
There's money lying in the treasury that never was touched. And the first fellow that will touch it will get six months.
The whole trouble is the trusts.
Look what the cold storage trust have done with the eggs. Sixty cents a dozen—for the good ones. And the good ones are rotten.
Then they say the reason prices are going up is because wages are getting higher.
But why should they raise the price of eggs?
The chickens ain't getting any more wages.
And if meat goes up any higher, it will be worth more than money.
Then there won't be any money.
Instead of carrying money in your pocket, you'll carry meat around.
A sirloin steak will be worth a thousand dollar bill.
When you go down to the bank to make a deposit, instead of giving the cashier a thousand dollar bill, you'll slip him a sirloin steak.
If you ask him for change, he'll give you a hunk of bologny.
If they keep on, we won't be able to live at all.
Statistics prove that the average wages of the workingman is one dollar a day.
Out of that, he's got to spend fifty cents a day for food; fifty-five cents for rent; ten cents for car fare.
And at the end of a hard day's work—he owes himself fifteen cents.
Yet the rich people say that the poor people are getting prosperous.
They say, look at our streets. You see nothing but automobiles. You don't see half the poor people now that you used to.
Certainly you don't.
Half of them have already been run over and the other half is afraid to come out.
Why, between the automobiles and the trusts the poor man hasn't got a chance to live.
And if only the gas trust gets a little stronger, the price of gas will go up so high a poor man won't even be able to commit suicide.
They'll have him both ways. He can't live and he can't die.
And that's why I am with the socialists.
They say, "Down with the trusts! Do away with money. Make everything equal."
Imagine a fellow going into a jewelry store and saying:
"Give me a diamond ring, here's a lemon."
But the socialists have got some good ideas for the working people. And my heart and soul is with the labor class of people. I am for labor unions.
But what help are the labor unions to the working man?
Look at it in the right light.
A man pays twenty-five dollars to join a union. He gets a job in a shop for two dollars a day, works two weeks, the union gets out on a strike and he owes himself a dollar.
The unions are crying the days are too long.
They want the days shorter. They want the days should be eight hours long.
But think of the fellows out in the North Pole where the days are six months long. That's the place for the poor man to live.
When the landlord comes around and says, "Rent," all you have to do is to tell him to come around the day after tomorrow.
Then Andrew Carnigger, he comes out and tells us you should save money and put it in the bank.
What's the use of putting your money in the bank?
It's easy enough to put it in, but it aint so easy to get it out. When you want to take your money out, you got to give the cashier sixty days notice.
And did you ever figure out how far a cashier can go in sixty days?
Then they say, as the world goes on, we are improving.
It's ridiculum.
We were better off years ago than we are now.
Look at Adam in the Garden of Eat-ing.
Life to him was a pleasure;
There was a fellow that had nothing to worry about.
Anything he wanted he could get.
But the darn fool had to get lonesome.
And that's the guy that started all our troubles.
We would be all right today, if it wasn't for Adam and Evil.
Then they say that Adam fell for an apple.
It just shows how men have improved.
No man would fall for an apple today.
It would have to be a peach.
And I tell you, it's no wonder that women feel stuck up. They say they can do more than men can do.
That's very true, when you go back to the first woman, Eve.
She was only one little woman, all by herself, and she put the whole human race on the bum.
Could a man do that?
And yet she was only a rib out of Adam's side.
It just goes to show you what a cheap proposition woman was.
Nowadays, when you want to marry a woman, you got to buy a diamond ring, take her to the theatres, buy her taxicheaters, and what's left of your wages you got to spend on candy and tango trots and turkey teas. There's where Adam had it on all of us.
All Eve cost him was one bone.
It all goes to show you how much better off man was in those days than today, and while John D. Rottenfeller, the great Philosopede, he comes out and says, nobody has a right to be poor; he says, anybody can live on eighteen dollars a week.
He don't have to tell us that.
Let him tell us how to get the eighteen.
And still that great statesment, William Chinning Bryan, he comes out and says, we are living in a great country. He says we are living in a country of excitement intelligence and education.
That's very true.
Look at our public school system.
A child can go to school for nothing, and when he grows up to be a man and he is thoroughly educated, he can go into the public school and be a teacher and get fifty dollars a month.
And the janitor gets ninety-five.
That shows you how education is coming to the front. Wouldn't it better, instead of sending a child to school, to learn him to clean out a cellar?
And what's the cause of all the trouble?
The House of Representatives.
We send them to Washington to look out for the people and the only time they look out for the people is when they look out the window and see them coming.
Then they get $7,500 a year. They spend $10,000 a year, and at the end of the year they have $100,000 saved.
No wonder they are careless with our money.
That's all they got to do. Sit around Washington and touch the treasury.
Every couple of days a fellow comes into Congress and says:
"Good morning, Congress, let me have $4,000,000."
That's all they do, is make touches for millions.
You never heard of those suckers making a touch for a quarter, or a half a dollar.
To show you what they do with our money, look at our Weather Bureau Department.
We pay a fellow $10,000 a year. For what?
To tell us when it's going to rain.
And he don't know himself.
But he don't want to know.
He knows that if he ever guesses it right, he is going to lose his job. But believe me, it's a soft job.
Nothing to do.
He gets up in the morning, eats a nice breakfast, smokes a good fat cigar; then he looks out of the window and says, "Fine weather to-day."
Then he takes his umbrella and goes out for a walk. I tell you, my dear friends, the way the country stands now, the country stands on the brink of a preci—the country stands on the brink of a precip—and if somebody shoves it, it is going over.
And the cause of all the trouble in the country is the crooked politics.
And that's why the women suffering gents have gotten together and are fighting for their rights.
And you can't blame them.
Now I see where one married woman has hit on a great idea.
She says there's only one protection for the wives.
And that's a wives' union.
Imagine a union for wives.
A couple gets married.
And as soon as they get settled, along comes the walking delegate and orders a strike.
Then imagine thousands and thousands of wives walking up and down the streets on strike, and scabs taking their places.
The Art of Flirtation A Two-Act for Two Men by Aaron Hoffman
Author of "Toblitz, or The End of the World," "The New Leader," "The Son of Solomon," "The Speaker of the House," Etc., Etc.
STRAIGHT: Say, whenever we go out together, you always got a kick coming. What's the matter with you?
COMEDIAN: Nothing is the matter with me.
STRAIGHT: With you always everything is the matter.
COMEDIAN: What's the trouble?
STRAIGHT: The trouble is you don't know nothing.
COMEDIAN: Yes, I do.
STRAIGHT: You know! If I only knew one-half of what you don't know, I would know twice as much as the smartest man in the world.
COMEDIAN: What you got against me?
STRAIGHT: You ain't a gentlemen.
COMEDIAN: What is a gentlemen?
STRAIGHT: A gentlemen is a man who knows how to act senseless vit people no matter vat happens.
COMEDIAN: I am a gentlemen, I always act senseless.
STRAIGHT: You are a gentlemen! Look at you. How can a man be a gentlemen with such a face like that. There are two kinds of men—gentlemen and rummies. I am a gentlemen, you are a rummy.
COMEDIAN: I am a rummy? I know how to act vit people. Ven you met your friends down the street, vat did you say to them?
STRAIGHT: I said come on and have a drink. I spoke like a gentlemen.
COMEDIAN: And ve all vent to have a drink.
STRAIGHT: Ve did.
COMEDIAN: Didn't I pay for it?
STRAIGHT: Sure—that shows you are a rummy.
COMEDIAN: No, that shows I was a gentlemen.
STRAIGHT: Dat's right. In a saloon you are a gentlemen.
COMEDIAN: Sure I am. I act just a bartender.
STRAIGHT: But the trouble with you is you don't know how to mingle.
COMEDIAN: Oh, I can mingle.
STRAIGHT: You don't know the first thing about mingling. As a mingler you are a flivver. Among men you are all right, but as soon as I take you out to some parties and dinners and you see some women around, your brains get loose.
COMEDIAN: Why—what do I do?
STRAIGHT: It makes no resemblance what you do or what you say. No matter how you do it—no matter how you say it, the women get insulted. You ain't got the least consumtion how to be disagreeable to the ladies.
COMEDIAN: Oh, I know how to be disagreeable to a lady. You ought to hear me talk to my wife.
STRAIGHT: To your wife? Any man can be disagreeable to his wife. But tink of other women—the trouble with you is, you have no, as the French people say, you have no savoir faire.
COMEDIAN: No what?
STRAIGHT: I say that you ain't got no, what the French people call, savoir faire.
COMEDIAN: What's dot?
STRAIGHT: Savoir faire.
COMEDIAN: Oh, I can salve for fair.
STRAIGHT: You can salve for fair; yes, but you ain't got no savoir faire. You are not a mingler. You have no vit, no humor. You ain't got no esprit.
COMEDIAN: Vere do you get all dose words?
STRAIGHT: I get them because I am a gentlemen.
COMEDIAN: Then I'm glad I am a rummy.
STRAIGHT: Sure you're a rummy. If you wasn't a rummy, you'd have esprit.
COMEDIAN: Oh, I had a spree lots of times.
STRAIGHT: Not a spree. I mean esprit. I mean you ain't got no refinement—like me. I got polish.
COMEDIAN: You're a shine.
STRAIGHT: No, I ain't a shine. I am a lady killer.
COMEDIAN: One look at you is enough to kill any lady.
STRAIGHT: I am a Beau Brummel. Ven I am with the ladies, I talk to dem vit soft words; I whisper sweet nothings, but you, you rummy you, you don't know how to make the ladies feel unhappy.
COMEDIAN: How do you make them unhappy?
STRAIGHT: You got to be disagreeable to them.
COMEDIAN: And vat do you do to be disagreeable to ladies?
STRAIGHT: The only vay to be disagreeable to a lady, you got to flirt vit her.
COMEDIAN: Flirt. Vat does that mean flirt?
STRAIGHT: Flirting is a thing that begins in nothing. You say something, you talk like everything and you mean nothing, and it liable to end up in anything. A flirtation is a clan-destination meeting with a lady.
COMEDIAN: Vat kind of a meeting is dot?
STRAIGHT: Don't you know? Ven you flirt, you meet a pretty woman in a shady spot.
COMEDIAN: Oh, you meet a shady woman in a pretty spot.
STRAIGHT: Not a shady woman. A pretty woman in a shady spot.
COMEDIAN: How do you know so much about flirting?
STRAIGHT: Now you come to it. I got here a book on the art of flirtation. Here it is. (biz. shows book.)
COMEDIAN: What is the name of that book?
STRAIGHT: The art of flirtation. How to make a lady fall in love with you for ten cents.
COMEDIAN: A lady fell in love with me once and it cost me Five Hundred Dollars.
STRAIGHT: That's because you didn't have this book. This book tells you how to make love. This book is full of the finest kind of love.
COMEDIAN: For ten cents.
STRAIGHT: Yes, for ten cents.
COMEDIAN: Oh, it's ten cents love.
STRAIGHT: No, it ain't ten-cent love. It's fine love (opens book). See—here is the destructions. Right on the first page you learn something. See—how to flirt with a handkerchief.
COMEDIAN: Who wants to flirt with a handkerchief? I want to flirt with a woman.
STRAIGHT: Listen to what the book says. To a flirter all things have got a language. According to this book, flirters can speak with the eye, with the fan, with the cane, with the umbrella, with the handkerchief, with anything. This book tells you how to do it.
COMEDIAN: For ten cents.
STRAIGHT: Shut up. Now when you see a pretty woman coming along who wants to flirt with you, what is the first thing a man should do?
COMEDIAN: Run the other way.
STRAIGHT: No, no. This is the handkerchief flirtation. As soon as a pretty woman makes eyes at you, you put your hands in your pockets.
COMEDIAN: And hold on to your money.
STRAIGHT: No, you take out your handkerchief. (biz.)
COMEDIAN: Suppose you ain't got a handkerchief?
STRAIGHT: Every flirter must have a handkerchief. It says it in the book. Now you shake the handkerchief three times like this (biz.). Do you know what that means?
COMEDIAN: (Biz. of shaking head.)
STRAIGHT: That means you want her to give you—
COMEDIAN: Ten cents.
STRAIGHT: No. Dat means you want her to give you a smile. So you shake the handkerchief three times like this (biz.), then you draw it across you mouth like this (biz.). What does that mean?
COMEDIAN: That means you just had a glass of beer.
STRAIGHT: No, dat means "I would like to speak with you."
COMEDIAN: And does she answer?
STRAIGHT: She got to, it says it in the book.
COMEDIAN: Does she answer you with a handkerchief?
STRAIGHT: Yes, or she might umbrella.
COMEDIAN: Over the head.
STRAIGHT: Sure. If she answers you with de umbrella over the head, that means something. Ven she holds the umbrella over her head, she means that she is a married woman.
COMEDIAN: Den you quit flirting.
STRAIGHT: No, den you commence. If she shakes it dis way (biz.), dat means—
COMEDIAN: Her husband is coming.
STRAIGHT: No. Dat means "You look good to me." Den you hold your handkerchief by the corner like dis (biz.).
COMEDIAN: Vat does that mean?
STRAIGHT: Meet me on the corner.
COMEDIAN: Och, dat's fine (takes handkerchief). Den if you hold it dis way, dat means (biz.) "Are you on the square?"
STRAIGHT: You are learning already. You will soon be a flirter. Now I vill show you how you flirt according to the book. You are a man flirter, and I am a beautiful female.
COMEDIAN: You are what?
STRAIGHT: A female. A female.
COMEDIAN: Vat's dat, a female?
STRAIGHT: A female. Don't you know what fee means? Fee, that means money. Male, that means man. Female. That means "Get money from a man." That's a female. I am a beautiful woman and just to teach you how to flirt, I am going to take a walk thro' the park.
COMEDIAN: I thought you were a gentlemen.
STRAIGHT: No. No. Just for an instance I am a lady. I will walk past in a reckless way, and I will make eyes at you.
COMEDIAN: If you do, I will smash my nose in your face.
STRAIGHT: No. No. When I make eyes at you, you must wave your handkerchief at me three times. Den you reproach me vit all the disrespect in the world and den you take off your hat and you say something. Vat do you say?
COMEDIAN: Ten cents.
STRAIGHT: No. No. You say something pleasant. You speak of the weather, for instance. You say "Good-evening, Madam, nice day."
COMEDIAN: Suppose it ain't a nice day?
STRAIGHT: No matter what kind of a day it is, you speak about it. Now I'm the lady and I am coming. Get ready.
(STRAIGHT does burlesque walk around COMEDIAN. . . . STRAIGHT stops and drops handkerchief.)
COMEDIAN: Say—you dropped something.
STRAIGHT: I know it. I know it. Flirt. Flirt.
(COMEDIAN biz. of pulling out red handkerchief.)
COMEDIAN: I am flirting. I am flirting.
STRAIGHT: What are you trying to do, flag a train? Why don't you pick up my handkerchief?
COMEDIAN: I don't need any, I got one.
STRAIGHT: (Picks up handkerchief and turns.) Oh, you rummy you. Why don't you reproach me and say something about the weather?
COMEDIAN: All right, you do it again.
STRAIGHT: Now don't be bashful! Don't be bashful! Here I come (biz. of walk).
COMEDIAN: (pose with hat.) Good evening. Are you a flirter?