Routledge's Manual of Etiquette · Chapter 27IV. —Conversation
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Let your conversation be adapted as skilfully as may be to your company. Some men make a point of talking commonplaces to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only be a trifler. Others, on the contrary, seem to forget in what respects the education of a lady differs from that of a gentleman, and commit the opposite error of conversing on topics with which ladies are seldom acquainted. A woman of sense has as much right to be annoyed by the one, as a lady of ordinary education by the other. You cannot pay a finer compliment to a woman of refinement and esprit than by leading the conversation into such a channel as may mark your appreciation of her superior attainments.
In talking with ladies of ordinary education, avoid political, scientific, or commercial topics, and choose only such subjects as are likely to be of interest to them.
Remember that people take more interest in their own affairs than in anything else which you can name. If you wish your conversation to be thoroughly agreeable, lead a mother to talk of her children, a young lady of her last ball, an author of his forthcoming book, or an artist of his exhibition picture. Having furnished the topic, you need only listen; and you are sure to be thought not only agreeable, but thoroughly sensible and well-informed.
Be careful, however, on the other hand, not always to make a point of talking to persons upon general matters relating to their professions. To show an interest in their immediate concerns is flattering; but to converse with them too much about their own arts looks as if you thought them ignorant of other topics.
Do not use a classical quotation in the presence of ladies without apologising for, or translating it. Even this should only be done when no other phrase would so aptly express your meaning. Whether in the presence of ladies or gentlemen, much display of learning is pedantic and out of place.
There is a certain distinct but subdued tone of voice which is peculiar to only well-bred persons. A loud voice is both disagreeable and vulgar. It is better to err by the use of too low than too loud a tone.
Remember that all "slang" is vulgar. It has become of late unfortunately prevalent, and we have known even ladies pride themselves on the saucy chique with which they adopt certain Americanisms, and other cant phrases of the day.
Such habits cannot be too severely reprehended. They lower the tone of society and the standard of thought. It is a great mistake to suppose that slang is in any way a substitute for wit.
The use of proverbs is equally vulgar in conversation; and puns, unless they rise to the rank of witticisms, are to be scrupulously avoided. There is no greater nuisance in society than a dull and persevering punster.
Long arguments in general company, however entertaining to the disputants, are tiresome to the last degree to all others. You should always endeavour to prevent the conversation from dwelling too long upon one topic.
Religion is a topic which should never be introduced in society. It is the one subject on which persons are most likely to differ, and least able to preserve temper.
Never interrupt a person who is speaking. It has been aptly said that "if you interrupt a speaker in the middle of his sentence, you act almost as rudely as if, when walking with a companion, you were to thrust yourself before him, and stop his progress."
To listen well, is almost as great an art as to talk well. It is not enough only to listen. You must endeavour to seem interested in the conversation of others.
It is considered extremely ill-bred when two persons whisper in society, or converse in a language with which all present are not familiar. If you have private matters to discuss, you should appoint a proper time and place to do so, without paying others the ill compliment of excluding them from your conversation.
If a foreigner be one of the guests at a small party, and does not understand English sufficiently to follow what is said, good-breeding demands that conversation shall be carried on in his own language. If at a dinner-party, the same rule applies to those at his end of the table.
If upon the entrance of a visitor you carry on the thread of a previous conversation, you should briefly recapitulate to him what has been said before he arrived.
Do not be always witty, even though you should be so happily gifted as to need the caution. To outshine others on every occasion is the surest road to unpopularity.
Always look, but never stare, at those with whom you converse.
In order to meet the general needs of conversation in society, it is necessary that a man should be well acquainted with the current news and historical events of at least the last few years.
Never talk upon subjects of which you know nothing, unless it be for the purpose of acquiring information. Many young men imagine that because they frequent exhibitions and operas they are qualified judges of art. No mistake is more egregious or universal.
Those who introduce anecdotes into their conversation are warned that these should invariably be "short, witty, eloquent, new, and not far-fetched."
Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vulgarities.
In conversing with a man of rank, do not too frequently give him his title. Only a servant interlards every sentence with "my Lord," or "my Lady." It is, however, well to show that you remember his station by now and then introducing some such phrase as—"I think I have already mentioned to your Lordship"—or, "I believe your Grace was observing"… In general, however, you should address a nobleman as you would any other gentleman. The Prince of Wales himself is only addressed as "Sir," in conversation, and the Queen as "Madam."
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V.—NOTES OF INVITATION, &c.
Notes of invitation and acceptance are written in the third person and the simplest style. The old-fashioned preliminary of "presenting compliments" is discontinued by the most elegant letter-writers.
All notes of invitation are now issued in the name of the mistress of the house only, as follows;—
"Mrs. Norman requests the honour of Sir George and Lady Thurlow's company at an evening party, on Monday, 14th of June."
Others prefer the subjoined form, which is purchaseable ready printed upon either cards or note-paper, with blanks for names or dates:—
"Mrs. Norman, "At home, "Monday evening, June 14th inst."
An "At home" is, however, considered somewhat less stately than an evening party, and partakes more of the character of a conversazione.
The reply to a note of invitation should be couched as follows:—
"Mr. Berkeley has much pleasure in accepting Mrs. Norman's polite invitation for Monday evening, June the 14th inst."
Never "avail" yourself of an invitation. Above all, never speak or write of an invitation as "an invite." It is neither good breeding nor good English.
Notes of invitation and reply should be written on small paper of the best quality, and enclosed in envelopes to correspond.
A gentleman should never use sealing-wax of any colour but red, nor paper of any hue but white. Fancy papers, fantastic borders, dainty coloured wax, and the like elegant follies, are only admissible in the desk of a lady.
Never omit the address and date from any letter, whether of business, friendship, or ceremony.
Letters in the first person, addressed to strangers, should begin with "Sir," or "Madam," and end with "I have the honour to be your very obedient servant." Some object to this form of words from a mistaken sense of pride; but it is merely a form, and, rightly apprehended, evinces a "proud humility," which implies more condescension than a less formal phrase.
At the end of your letter, at some little distance below your signature, and in the left corner of your paper, write the name of the person to whom your letter is addressed; as "Sir James Dalhousie," or "Edward Munroe, Esquire."
It is more polite to write Esquire at full length than to curtail it to Esq.
In writing to persons much your superior or inferior, use as few words as possible. In the former case, to take up much of a great man's time is to take a liberty; in the latter to be diffuse is to be too familiar. It is only in familiar correspondence that long letters are permissible.
In writing to a tradesman, begin your letter by addressing him by name, as—
"Mr. Jones,—Sir."
A letter thus begun may, with propriety, be ended with—
"Sir, yours truly."
Letters to persons whom you meet frequently in society, without having arrived at intimacy, may commence with "Dear Sir," and end with "I am, dear Sir, yours very truly."
Letters commencing "My dear Sir," addressed to persons whom you appreciate, and with whom you are on friendly terms, may end with "I am, my dear Sir, yours very faithfully," or "yours very sincerely."
To be prompt in replying to a letter is to be polite.
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