Hints for Lovers · Chapter 4Plea: Confession and Avoidance (4)
This chapter is not translated yet. You are reading the original.
There is a statute of limitations in love as there is in law. Nor is the former to be set aside by bond.
That pair is in a parlous state when either party discovers that the title was not properly searched. Since
Everybody expects a fee simple,—though few deserve it, God wot!
* * *
Perhaps the most durable conquest is the incomplete one. Which sounds illogical. But it is well to remember that
Repletion seems to cause, in the man, temporary indifference; while
Repletion causes, in the woman, enduring content. And in this we can detect a significant distinction between the sexes: namely the fact that
A single goal satisfies most women;
No single goal ever yet satisfied the restless spirit of man.
* * *
What gives keenest joy is the evocation of latent passion. For Each takes pleasure in believing that he or she alone can evoke this passion. Accordingly,
The premature confession of passion, and the confession of premature passion, both rankle in the breast—and, probably, in the breast of both penitent and confessor.
* * *
What intensity of feeling a woman can throw into the enunciation of a Christian name! There is perhaps no better clue to possession that this. For, probably,
Not until a man's Christian mane is ecstatically uttered is a woman wholly his. * * *
Men and women content with the different weapons. This is why Men are rarely intrepid in the presence of women; but women rarely stand in awe of men.—Nothing differentiates the sexes more than this; but the psychological reason is difficult to discover. Perhaps,
The making of love is a sort of duel, the conditions of which are that the man shall doff all his armor and the woman may don all hers. Indeed,
The battle of love-making would be an unequal combat, even were both contestants fully panoplied; for,
A woman's derision will pierce any mail. In fact,
No armor is impervious to woman's shafts—be they those of laughter or be they those of love. So
The veriest roué' is vulnerable to the veriest maid. But
For each man she meets, a woman carries in her quiver but one shaft. If that misses its aim, she is powerless: it is like a dart without a thong; when thrown, the man can close. But
Always it devolves upon the man to take the initiative. But, again,
Always the man must pretend that he takes no initiative. But, again,
Always the woman must pretend that she gives no opportunity.
The game of love is not only one of chance but one of skill. What irks man is that a woman pretends that she must be circumvented by wiles. But
Man was ever a clumsy wooer. Nevertheless,
It is only the man who thinks he is too venturesome. Since
The iciest woman sometimes thaws. And
The austerer a woman, the sweeter her surrender. And, again, A woman is never sweeter than in surrender. Accordingly,
"De l'audace, et encore de l'audace, et toujours de l'audace"(2) should be the motto of every wooer. Since
Audacity if beloved of women; but it must be an audacity born of Sincerity and educated b y Discretion. At all events
Beware timidity,—it is fatal.
(2) Danton
* * *
With women, nothing is more conquering than conquest; nothing so irresistible as resistance. On the other hand,
Resistance on the part of the woman is an effort put forth for the purpose of defeating its own object.
* * *
A man prizes only what he has fought for. No one knows this better than a woman. This is why
A woman's capitulation she always makes to appear as a capture. And
Where there are no defense works, a woman will erect them.
Foolish that man who does not storm entrenchments. For
Resistance on the part of a woman is a wall which a man is expected to leap. His agility is the measure of her approbation.
* * *
Arouse a woman's interest, and you arouse much. But Having failed, disappear. Yet
It takes very many futile attempts to make a failure. At the same time,
Importunity is an inferior weapon.
* * *
A conditional surrender is no surrender. But
A woman's surrender is in reality a desertion, a going over to the enemy. Thenceforward she is an ally. Indeed
A woman's capitulation is her conquest.
* * *
Let no amount of simulated austerity deter you. The marble Galatea came to life at the prayer of a man.
* * *
The number of modes in which a woman can say 'Yes' has not, up to the present, be accurately enumerated; but perhaps the one most frequently in use is the negative imperative. And
Many are the men who have puzzled long and painfully over the motives of a woman's 'No.' Yet in nine cases out of ten a woman says 'No' merely because she feels herself on the brink of saying 'Yes'. In other words,
It is often mistrust of herself that leads many a woman to refuse it will the lips the consent that is fluttering at her heart. Perhaps that is why
With woman 'Yea' and 'Nay' are meaningless and interchangeable terms.
* * *
'Ware a show of excessive feeling. It is proof, either that it is shallow and evanescent, or that it is put on. At all events Excessive feeling is rarely taken seriously. Now
Seriousness adds a spice to gallantry. But, like spice, a little is ample.
* * *
Many men think it is the woman who has to be persuaded. It is not the woman; it is her scruples. Besides, "Nemo repente turpissimus—vel turpissima". Yet
By thirty, scruples are either dormant or dominant.
Both of the callow youth of fifteen and the man of the world of forty-five swear by the woman of thirty.
* * *
It may seem a paradox, but it is a truism, that, in matters of love, it is the weaker and the defenseless sex that takes the initiative. In other words,
The woman makes the opportunity which the man takes. And
An opportunity missed is an opportunity lost. And
The woman is implacable to the man who sees the opportunity and takes it not. Since
With woman indifference is worse than insult. Wherefore
Never, never disappoint a woman.
* * *
Spontaneous admiration is the sincerest flattery. Those who know this, affect spontaneity. But it requires much art to conceal this art.
You will oftener err upon the side of ultra-delicacy in a compliment that upon the side of bare-facedness.
Do not imagine that excessive admiration can give offence. But remember that
The eye can netter express admiration than can the tongue.
The publicity with which a woman will receive admiration from a male admirer 144 often is sufficient to astonish that admirer. But
Often enough it is the admiration, not the admirer, that a woman covets. Indeed,
Many a woman is in love with love (3), but not her lover. But this no lover can be got to comprehend.
To flatter by deprecating a rival is a complement of extremely doubtful efficacy.
(3) I seem to remember that somebody before has said something like this before.
* * *
A woman does not admire too clement a conqueror. She admits the right to ovation, and to him who waives it she lightly regards.
* * *
Seek no stepping-stones unless you mean to cross:
He who gathers stepping-stones and refrains from crossing is contempted of women. Indeed,
Every advance of which advantage is not taken, is in reality a retreat. And remember, too, that though
Sought interviews are sweet, those unsought are sweeter. And
Probably no son of Adam—and for the matter of that, probably no daughter of Eve—ever quite looks back with remorse upon a semi-innocent escapade. Yet
The man who thinks he can at any time extract himself from any feminine entanglement that he may choose to have raveled, is a simpleton.
* * *
The way of man with a maid may have been too wonderful for Agur; now-a-days the way of a man with a married woman would puzzle a wiser than he.
What is the attitude to be maintained towards the too complaisant spouse of an honorable friend? That is a problem will puzzle weak men without end. Of that fatal and fateful dilemma when a wife or a husband falls victim to the wiles of another, there are, for the delinquent, two and only two horns (and it is a moot question upon which it is preferable to be impaled): Flight—either from the victor or the victrix. Yet
To some it is no anomaly to pray God's blessing upon a liaison. But these folk are to be pitied; for
A clandestine love always works havoc—havoc to all three. (4)
(4) Cf. Platus: "Malus clandestinus est amor; damnum 'st merum."
Will men and women never learn what trouble they lay up in store for themselves by breaking their plighted troths?
* * * * *
VII. On Beauty
"La beaute' pour moi c'est la divinite' visible, c'est le bonheur palpable, c'est le ciel descendu sur terre." —Theophile Gautier
Beauty, they say, is but skin-deep. That is quite deep enough to enslave mankind. As a matter of fact, it is much deeper: for, to say nothing of health and good-spirits,
Beneath true beauty lies an admirable or a loveable character. And yet—or, perhaps, and therefore—
If by some mischance beauty should arouse our resentment, with what different eyes we regard it!
* * *
The feeling for beauty is probably more highly developed in man than in woman. (N. B. Perhaps this is the source of the beauty of women.) Nevertheless,
It is a question that perhaps will never be settled, how much value should be placed upon mere beauty. For
Man soon tires of mere beauty. In fact, man, the inconstant creature, soon tires of mere anything.
* * *
Beauty should never be analyzed. At sight of graceful neck, who speaks of "musculus sterno-cleido-mastoideus"; at touch of moist red lips, who thinks upon the corpuscles of Paccini?
* * *
More women are wooed for their complexions than for their characters.
* * *
Could women only know it, nothing can add to their charms: how provokingly delightful is the uniformed demureness of an hospital nurse beside the elaborate bedizenments of a woman of fashion!
* * *
The most beautiful thing known among men is: a good woman. And this is not an anomaly.
* * *
She who captures a man by a single charm, be it even beauty, holds him by a weak chain.
Think not it was merely beauty that made Helen or Cleopatra historic.
Beauty is much, and grace is much; but there is a charm more subtle and potent than these.
* * *
Beauty without modesty is a rose without perfume: the petals may delight, but they lack an ineffable savor. Like a flower, too,
Though the tangible petals are numbered and comptable, the subtle perfume eludes the sense and is inexhaustible. For
Modesty is the exhalation of the soul: at once it enhances, as it refines, the potency of beauty. Nay more,
The sacrosanct aureole of modesty beautifies all it surrounds: though it diviner haze imperfection there is none. So,
Given a redolent balm, and the lowliest herb becomes treasured and precious. And
Each human soul has its own individual essence;
What folly were the violet to envy the rose! Since
Beauty is much, and grace is much, and mien and demeanor and wit; but a prepotent and psychic essence there is transcending the power of these. And,
As the suave and subtle essence is not distinct from, but springs from, the tangible and numerable petals, so the spirit perceives that its fleshy vesture is not a thing apart, to be donned or doffed at will, to b e contemned or left out of regards, but indeed at integral and inseparable portion of itself; for
In the very woof and warp of flesh, sprit is immanent and enmeshed. Indeed—though in a mystic sense—
Vesture and wearer are mutually one. And yet
Love ever essays the task of seeking out the psychic wearer beneath the corporeal vesture—often with plaintive strife.
When seeker and sought make a mutual search—the starkest strife is condoned. But alack!
The mystic unity of the human soul is never wholly divulged—not even to love—not even to love.
* * * * *
VIII. On Courtship
"Un amant fait la court ou s'attache son coeur". —Moliere
A woman really in love and sure of her lover delights in toying with a sort of coquetry of love; as if it pleased her to try to win over again that the winning of which gave so exquisite a pleasure. And perhaps
The coquetry of love is the surest test of an unquestionable love. For
When possession can afford to play at pursuit, this but proves possession complete. Sometimes
An assumed love will resort to the pretty tricks of a real one, in order to assure its object—or to re-assure itself.
Surrender after a protracted siege has its advantages. At all events both M and N can look back to more demi-semi happy incidents when the courtship has been long.
Happy that couple can laugh over the incidents of courtship afterwards. 'T is a portent of impending ill if they cannot.
* * *
Half-heartedness in courtship is not only suicidal, it is murderous. On the other hand, remember that
In courtship there are various and varying stages. But there is always the home-gallop. Remember, too, that
What is suitable at one stage of courtship is ruinous at another. And
It is only the old whip who knows when to push the pace:
In courtship to force the running is hazardous. Though we win, the victory loses its sweets. And
In courtship, men too often ride on the snaffle; in matrimony, too often on the curb.
* * *
Courtship asks for cash payment. Matrimony has often to allow unlimited credit. Insolvency is not unknown.
* * *
In courtship, all auxiliaries but the rival. No one will impede a lover save another lover.
* * *
In the presence of a woman, man is by nature a diffident animal. The women who recognize this are often the most successful. Indeed,
Many are the refined and gentle women who in after life regret that they did not more openly cope with their less delicately-minded sisters. Nevertheless,
Nothing is more astonishing than a woman's tact in encouraging a man.
* * *
In courtship modulated and musical tones count for much. Who with harsh speech would assail a lady's ear?
* * *
No woman thinks she can be wooed too often. And
Few women can forgo an opportunity to fascinate.
* * *
In courtship the woman is the whole world to the man; in matrimony the man is the whole world to the woman.
* * *
In courtship the slightest suspicion of condescension is fatal. For
True love is a greater leveler than anarchy.
* * *
In courtship, the wooer to the wooed is, in Juliet's phrase, the god of her idolatry; in matrimony he is lucky if he is the idol of her deity.
* * *
It is a question which is the sweeter: a spontaneous courtship, or one that has sprung from friendship.
In a spontaneous courtship there is all the charm of novelty;
In a courtship that has grown out of affection there is all the trustfulness of friendship. But
Friendship and courtship are two totally distinct things:
In courtship, men and women meet on the flowery-thorny common of love;
In friendship, men and women invite each other over to their respective plots. So,
A friend will show a friend all over his domain;
A lover can but point out to the lover the flowers (and thorns) which grow in the soil to which they are both strangers. 162
* * *
It is an open question whether in matters pre-matrimonial, the mode of the French is not preferable to that of the Anglo-Saxon; whether, that is,
Prudence and prevision are not more certain harbingers of matrimonial happiness of matrimonial happiness than are impulse and passion.
The French couple, when wedded, are virtually strangers; the Anglo-Saxon have already together enacted some scenes of the matrimonial drama. Yet it is an open question also whether
A more durable domestic affection is not built up from the pristine foundation of total ignorance than from that of a partial acquaintanceship.
The American Elizabeth Patterson, before she became Madame Jerome Bonaparte, could write, "I love Jerome Bonaparte, and I prefer to be his wife, were it only for a day, to the happiest union."
The continentalized Madame Jerome Bonaparte, twenty-six years after she had ceased to be Miss Elizabeth Patterson, could write "Do we not know how easily men and women free themselves from the fetters of love, and that only the stupid remain caught in these pretended bonds?" (1) After all,
Little do any couple know of each other before marriage. Besides Does not a delightful romance envelope the nuptials of strangers? At all events, even if precaution is a foe to impulse, few will be found to deny that
Strangeness is by no means inimical to passion. Perhaps, then, Fathers and mothers and uncles and aunts can form a better judgment as to the suitability and adaptability to each other of two young, ardent, and headstrong boys and girls can these themselves; since
Fathers and mothers and uncles and aunts know full well that impulse and passion often prove materials too friable for the many-storied fabric of marriage. At all events,
The French mode of contracting a marriage precludes the possibility of perilous and precocious affairs of the heart. Perhaps
The mistake that ardent and headstrong boys and girls make is in thinking that impulse and passion are the keys of Paradise. Their Elders know that impulse and passion are sometimes the keys of Purgatory.
Prudence and prevision are not keys to any supernal (or infernal) existence; they are merely guide-books to a terrestrial journey. At all events, it is significant that (which might be added as a lemma)
Widows rarely choose unwisely!
(1) Quoted by C. de Varigny in the "Revue des Deux Mondes" of January the 15th, 1893.
* * *
Over that much-bethought-of, much-surmised-about-thing, a proposal of marriage, every young woman weaves a pre-conceived halo of romance, but
In nineteen cases out of twenty a proposal is either unexpected or disappointing; that is,
Many a girl has almost held her breath with anxiety as she saw the great question coming; then almost cried with vexation at the way it came. For, often,
Either the wrong man proposes or the right man proposes stupidly.
The woman looks for ideal surroundings, a dramatic situation, and impassioned and poetic utterance; usually,
The man seizes a commonplace opportunity and—stutters. Probably,
The ideal proposal occurs only in novels. And yet—and yet—
Perhaps after all the real proposal is more complimentary to woman than is the ideal; at least perhaps
The aberration and obfuscation of the man is proof once (i) of her potency and (ii) of his sincerity.
Did man keep his head, would woman be quite so sure of his heart? Yet it may be that in these matter woman is liable to err, since
Rarely, if ever, does a woman's heart run away with her head. When it does—
Ah! the momentary bliss of an unreasoning emotion! Yet
Woman does right to keep her head, for
Almost every woman's happiness depends upon what she does with her heart—unless indeed she elects to go through life homeless, childless, and unenspoused; for
Though it is the wife that makes the home, it is the man who must provide for it. And since
Man, by nature, is probably nomadic and polygamic; not his to debate whether to give rein to emotion. Woman, by nature, is in far different case:
For the sake of her child, woman must bind the nomad to herself. Accordingly,
It is woman who is the true agglutinator and civilizer of society. Therefore, it comes about that
To order wisely her emotions is the inherited instinct of woman. Wherefore,
Woman is the conserver of the nation—and this in more senses than one.
* * * * *
IX. On Men and Women
"Dio fa gli uomini, e e' s' appaino." —Salviati
There are two elements of character which a man should possess, develop, and maintain unstained if he would find favor in feminine eyes: the first is bravery; the second, indomitableness of resolution. So likewise,
There are two elements of character which a woman should possess, develop, and maintain unstained if she would find favor in masculine eyes: the first is sympathy; the second, sweetness of temper.
* * *
A curious and latent hostility divides the sexes. It seems as they could not approach each other without alarums and excursions. Always the presence of the one rouses anxiety in the breast of the other; they stand to arms; they resort to tactics; they maneuver. And,
Men and women approach each other vizored and in armor. But it is often only to conceal the craven heart that beats beneath the brazen cuirass.
* * *
Men judge of women, not so much by their intrinsic worth, as by the impression women make upon them. And women know this, since All women are alive to the fact that the impressing (1) of men is the important function of life. Accordingly,
Great stress is, and is naturally, laid by women upon dress and the subtleties of the toilette. For,
In matters of the heart man is led by the heart and not by the head. (2) And why not? Since
It is generally a sweet-heart, not a hard head, that a man wants. In short,
Men are oftener vanquished by a look than by logic; by a gracious smile than by good sense; by manner and even by dress than by mental development or depth. This is to say,
A man judges a woman by her appearance;
A woman judges a woman by her motives. (And
A woman judges of a woman's motives by what she knows of her own.)—So it comes about that,
To a man, a woman's heart is something mysterious. But
Women, who know their own hearts, have little difficulty in reading others'.
(1) It is (perhaps) highly unfortunate that to this word is attached a two-fold signification.
(2) Though, as Mr. Grant Allen has endeavored to show, this is a scientific a method as any.
* * *
No units of measurement yet devised are adequate for the computation of the power wielded by a beautiful woman.
* * *
That is a significant fact, and probably, could we fathom all the profundities and unravel all the entanglements of the relations between the sexes, as deep and as intricate as significant, that no woman thinks a man can pay her a higher compliment than to wish to make her his own. For though
Woman thinks man her ultimate aim and desire, Nature knows that man is but the stepping-stone to the child. In the end woman agrees with Nature. We may go farther, and say
Women are nearer the eternal laws than are men. Men govern themselves by the laws they themselves make. Women are lawless. Laws are for the temporal, the fleeting; for a given individual in a given society; for a particular race in a particular clime. Such laws are obeyed by women only under compulsion. They, more far-seeing than men, instinctively peer far beyond the ephemeral rules manufactured by men, into the realm of laws eternal and immutable; these she obeys implicitly, unquestioningly—much to man's amazement—and, it may be, his mortification; for he sees that she is freer than he. This is why,
For the man she truly loves a woman will sacrifice everything —everything. The same generous sentiment cannot by any means be attributed to man.
* * *
Both the wise man and the wise woman—but here I am reminded of the recipe for hare soup.
* * *
Between the sexes there is in reality but one link—the link amatory. And
So long as Nature maintains two sexes, so long will men and women hug, yet chafe under, that slender but invisible bond.
Not even Cupid and Psyche avoided a misunderstanding—in spite of the devotion of the other. And,
If men and women differ in matters amatory, it is because men and women have trodden different evolutionary paths:
The man, given up to the chase (for pelts or pelf) and careful of his status in the tribe, thinks only of himself and the present;
The woman, her sole care the nurture of her offspring, thinks only of her progeny, and the future. But since
The family is the unit of the state, therefore
The state makes laws, not for love, but for the family.
Happy that family the parents of which are bound by cosmic not by municipal affection. Nevertheless,
Say what one will, Love scoffs at laws; howsoever marriage and divorce may be regulated by parliamentary statute.
Man, as a member of a political community, may make marriage laws to suit that community—laws to suit that community—laws "de vinculo matrimonii" and laws "de mensa et thoro", decrees "nisi prius" and decrees absolute; but
Law can no more bind the affections than it can bind the sweet influences of the Pleiades. And yet, at bottom,
Beneath all municipal and parochial regulations, a great and cosmic law does govern the relations of the sexes; and
The lightest whim of the lightest lady has a definite, perhaps a cosmic, fount and origin.
* * *
A man can never know too much. Perhaps a woman can. And
It is a question how far a man admires a woman who knows too much. For,
If there is nothing a man can teach a woman, not even of the ways of love, the man is apt to be chagrined. Besides,
Too much knowledge is inimical to romance.
* * *
War is a man's true trade; love, woman's.
* * *
There is no stronger argument against the equality of the sexes than a woman's hand. It was made to toil? No; to place in her lover's. In truth,
Is there anything more fragile in nature than a woman's hand? But put it in her lover's. and what a force it has!
Anomaly of anomalies, with women, fragility, delicacy, dependence, beauty, grace,—it is by these weak weapons that she wins. So,
We watch a demure damsel of some sixteen sunny summers much as we watch a delicate dynamo of some thousand kilowatts.
Both seem so calm, so quiescent. Yet both, we know, can generate such startling energy, can bring about such marvelous results.
* * *
Many women forget that things which men have no objection to their female friends doing they often have a very particular objection to their mothers, sisters, and wives doing. So, too, they often forget that
It is not the girl he flatters, compliments, and is conspicuously attentive to, that the man always marries. Perhaps this goes to show that
There is a deeper and more serious current in the flow of male emotions, which, much as light and fitful breezes may stir the surface, is moved only by, and mingles only, with a similar and confluent stream. For
It is not man's highest instincts that are stimulated by the more superficial of feminine blandishments; though, no doubt, many a man there is has been made permanently captive by their lure. The truth is that
Man is a many-sided creature: he will reflect many different rays; but it is only under the ray that pierces the surface and irradiates the interior that he truly glows.
* * *
Woman does not lean upon man because she is inferior, but rather because she is his supporter; just as
The buttress leans upon the building; but the building would fall without the buttress. That is,
Woman's dependence upon man is his chief source of strength. Those who cannot understand this may be left to their ignorance. * * *
It is not all women who comprehend the exaltation of mind into which some men are thrown by their presence. Indeed,
Men put a higher value upon a woman's complaisance than she does herself. To a women, feminine concession appear trivial. Is it any wonder, then, that
Woman calls man's jealousy unreasonable? In reality,
The affianced man thinks he has gotten him an angel from heaven. It is not within the bounds of mortal male comprehension that such an angel should sully her wings.
* * *
Women know their sex.—Which, if it is a truism, is a truism that men often forget. And
Few things permit a man to see so far into the subtleties and intricacies of feminine hearts as a squabble between two of them over himself.
* * *
A man in defeat generally turns to woman. A woman in defeat is either scornful, silent, or both.
A man, in depression, falls back upon his only weapon: brute force. A woman, in like circumstances, does the same. But her weapon is personal charm.
* * *
In matters amatory and maternal, a woman will risk more than will a man. In fact,
In matters amatory and maternal, woman is the truly combative animal.
* * *
Many are the members of the one sex that are entrapped by the wiles of the other; but it often happens that the entrapper afterwards rues the capture as much as—or even more than—the entrapped. So, it often happens that
Girls who are deliberately seeking husbands think love may be won by artifice. Not until well on in years do
Women know that, by men, love and artifice are considered mortal foes.
To win him a wife by artifice would be to a man a thing impossible and abhorrent: yet
To win her a husband by artifice is to a woman a thing quite natural. But
When (if ever) the man discovers that he was won by artifice, there are apt to be several bad quarters of an hour. For, when all is said and done,
The man, free and easy, thoughtless and untrammeled, knowing he may pick and choose, never chooses till—till—there comes the woman he thinks he wants. Then he says point blank he wants her. Should it ever be revealed to him that his Want was the result of her Artifice, a very different complexion is put upon that Want. On the other hand,