Enquire within upon everything · Chapter 37Part 3 (3)
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An Hour in the Morning is Worth Two at Night.
1951. Cards
A newly married couple send out cards immediately after the ceremony to their friends and acquaintance, who, on their part, return either notes or cards of congratulation on the event. As soon as the lady is settled in her new home, she may expect the calls of her acquaintance; for which it is not absolutely necessary to remain at home, although politeness requires that they should be returned as soon as possible. But, having performed this, any further intercourse may be avoided (where it is deemed necessary) by a polite refusal of invitations. Where cards are to be left, the number must be determined according to the various members of which the family called upon is composed. For instance, where there are the mother, aunt, and daughters (the latter having been introduced to society), three cards should be left. Recently, the custom of sending cards has been in a great measure discontinued, and instead of this, the words "No cards" are appended to the ordinary newspaper advertisement, and the announcement of the marriage, with this addition, is considered all sufficient.
1952. Reception
When the married pair have returned, and the day of reception arrives, wedding cake and wine are handed round, of which every one partakes, and each expresses some kindly wish for the newly married couple. The bride ought not to receive visitors without a mother, or sister, or some friend being present, not even if her husband be at home. Gentlemen who are in professions, or have Government appointments, cannot always await the arrival of visitors; when such is the case, some old friend of the family should represent him, and proffer an apology for his absence.
1953. The Wedding Tour
The Wedding Tour must depend upon the tastes and circumstances of the married couple. Home-loving Englishmen and women may find much to admire and enjoy without ranging abroad. Those whose time is somewhat restricted should visit some spot which may be reached without difficulty. Cornwall and Devonshire, the Isle of Wight, &c., are each delightful to the tourist; and the former is now accessible by railway as far as the Land's End. The scenery of the North of Devon, and of both coasts of Cornwall, is especially beautiful. North Wales offers a delightful excursion; the lakes of Westmoreland and Cumberland; the lakes of Killarney, in Ireland; also the magnificent scenery of the Scottish lakes and mountains. To those who wish for a wider range, France, Germany, Switzerland, and the Rhine offer charms which cannot be surpassed.
1954. Wedding Cakes
Four pounds of fine flour, well dried; four pounds of fresh butter; two pounds of loaf sugar; a quarter of a pound of mace, pounded and sifted fine; the same of nutmegs. To every pound of flour add eight eggs; wash four pounds of currants, let them be well picked and dried before the fire; blanch a pound of sweet almonds, and cut them lengthwise very thin; a pound of citron; one pound of candied orange; the same of candied lemon; half a pint of brandy. When these are made ready, work the butter with your hand to a cream; then beat in the sugar a quarter of an hour; beat the whites of the eggs to a very strong froth; mix them with the sugar and butter; beat the yolks half an hour at least, and mix them with the cake; then put in the flour, mace, and nutmeg, keep beating it well till your oven is ready—pour in the brandy, and beat the currants and almonds lightly in. Tie three sheets of white paper round the bottom of your hoop to keep it from running out; rub it well with butter, put in your cake; lay the sweetmeats in layers; with cake between each layer; and after it is risen and coloured cover it with paper before your oven is stopped up. It will require three hours to bake properly.
Morning for Work, Evening for Contemplation.
1955. Almond Icing for Wedding Cake
Beat the whites of three eggs to a strong froth, pulp a pound of Jordan almonds very fine with rose water, mix them, with the eggs, lightly together; put in by degrees a pound of common loaf sugar in powder. When the cake is baked enough, take it out, and lay on the icing; then put it in to brown.
1956. Sugar Icing for Wedding Cake
Beat two pounds of double refined sugar with two ounces of fine starch, sift the whole through a gauze sieve, then beat the whites of five eggs with a knife upon a pewter dish for half an hour; beat in the sugar a little at a time, or it will make the eggs fall, and injure the colour; when all the sugar is put in, beat it half an hour longer, and then lay on your almond icing, spreading it even with a knife. If put on as soon as the cake comes out of the oven, it will harden by the time the cake is cold.
1957. Marriages of Dissenters
Marriages of Dissenters may be solemnized at any place of worship duly licensed, and in accordance with the forms of their worship. In some cases, the service of the Church of England is read, with slight additions or modifications. The clerk of the place of worship should be applied to for information.
1958. Christenings
Christenings may be performed either in accordance with the rites of the Established Church, or of dissenting congregations; the time of birth, and the name of every child, must also be registered. The fees paid for christening vary with a variety of circumstances. Particulars should in each case be obtained of the clerk of the place of worship. It is usual to make a christening the occasion of festivity; but not in such a manner as to require special remark. The parents and god-parents of the child appear at church at the appointed hour. The child is carried by the nurse. The dress of the parties attending a christening should be what may be termed demi-costume, or half-costume; but the infant should be robed in the choicest manner that the circumstances will allow. It is usual for the sponsors to present the child with a gift to be preserved for its future years. Silver spoons, a silver knife and fork, a clasp-bible, a silver cup, and other such articles, are usually chosen. It is usual, also, to give a trifling present to the nurse.
1959. Registration of Births
The law of registration requires the parents, or occupiers of houses in which the births happen, to register such birth at the registrar's office within
six weeks
after the date thereof. For registration, within the time specified,
no charge is made
. But after the expiration of the forty-second day from the birth, a fee of
seven shillings and sixpence
must be paid. After the expiration of six months from the date of the birth, no registration is allowed. It is therefore most important, as soon as possible after the birth of a child, for the father or mother, or in default of either, the occupier of the house in which to his knowledge the child is born, or any one who may have been present at the birth, to go to the office of the registrar of the district, and communicate the following particulars:
Date when born.
Name of the child.
Boy or girl.
Name of the father.
Name and maiden name of the mother.
Rank or profession of the father.
Signature, description, and residence of the person giving the information.
Date of the registration.
1960. Baptismal Name
If any child born in England, whose birth has been registered, shall, within six months of such registration, have any name given to it in baptism other than that originally registered, such baptismal name may be added to the previous registration, if, within seven days of such baptism, application be made to the registrar by whom the child was originally registered. For this purpose a certificate of the baptism must be procured of the clergyman, for which a fee of 2s. 7d. (including stamp) must he paid. This certificate must he taken to the registrar, who will charge another fee of
one shilling
for adding the baptismal name to the original registration.
Frugality Proves an Easy Chair for Old Age.
1961. Choice of Names
To choose names for children, parents should consult the list of names in
pars
.
,
.
1962. Children born at Sea
If any child of an English parent shall be born at sea on board a British vessel, the captain or commanding officer shall make a minute of the particulars touching the birth of the child, and shall, on the arrival of the vessel at any part of the kingdom, or sooner, by any other opportunity, send a certificate of the birth through the post-office (
for which no postage will be charged
), to the Registrar General, General Registrar Office, London.
1963. Funerals and Registration of Deaths
It is always best to place the direction of a funeral under a respectable undertaker, with the precaution of obtaining his estimate for the expenses, and limiting him to them. He can best advise upon the observances to be attended to, since the style of funerals differs with the station of the deceased's family, and is further modified by the customs of particular localities, and even by religious views.
1964. Registration of Deaths
The father or mother of any child that dies, or the occupier of a house in which any person may die, must, within _five days_ after such death, give notice to the registrar of the district. Some person present at the death should at the same time attend and give to the registrar an account of the circumstances or cause of the death, to the best of his or her knowledge or belief. Such person must sign his or her name, and give the place of abode at which he or she resides. The following are the particulars required:
Date of Death.
Name in full.
Sex and age.
Rank or profession.
Cause of death.
Signature, description, and residence of the person giving the information.
Date of the registration.
A certificate of the cause of death must be obtained from the medical man in attendance, who is required to state when he last saw the patient.
1965. Persons dying at Sea
The commander of any British vessel, on board of which a death occurs at sea, must act the same as in a case of birth.
1966. Certificates of Death
Every registrar must deliver to the undertaker,
without fee
, a certificate of the death, which certificate shall be delivered to the officiating minister. No dead body can be buried without such certificate, under a penalty of £10.
1967. Observances of Deaths and Funerals
It is usual, when a death takes place, to communicate it immediately, upon mourning note-paper, to the principal members of the family, and to request them to notify the same to the more remote relatives in their circle. A subsequent note should state the day and hour at which the funeral is fixed to take place.
1968. Special Invitations
Special invitations to funerals are not considered requisite to be sent to near relatives; but to friends and acquaintances such invitations should be sent.
1969. Gloves
Most persons who attend funerals will provide themselves with gloves; but it is well to have a dozen pairs, of assorted sizes, provided in case of accident. An arrangement can be made for those not used to be returned.
1970. Hatbands and Cloaks
Hatbands and Cloaks will be provided by the undertaker.
1971. Mourning
The dressmaker will advise upon the "degree" of mourning to be worn, which must be modified according to the age of the deceased, and the relationship of the mourner. The undertaker will advise respecting the degree of mourning to be displayed upon the carriages, horses, &c.
1972. Going to the Funeral
In going to the Funeral the nearest relatives of the deceased occupy the carriages nearest the hearse. The same order prevails in returning. Only the relatives and most intimate friends of the family should return to the house after the funeral; and their visit should be as short as possible.
1973. Walking Funerals
In Walking Funerals it is considered a mark of respect for friends to become pall-bearers. In the funerals of young persons, the pall should be borne by their companions, wearing white gloves. It is a pretty and an affecting sight to see the pall over the coffin of a young lady borne by six of her female friends. Flowers may be placed, upon the coffin, and strewed in and over the grave.
1974. Societies
As funerals in England, when conducted in ths ordinary way, with the usual display of hearse, mourning carriages, and costly mourning, are attended with considerable expense, societies have been formed in many parishes with the view of reducing the outlay resorted to on these occasions, and at a time perhaps when it would be better in many cases to observe the strictest economy. The members of these societies agree among themselves to do all that is possible to reduce expenditure at funerals, and to render the accompaniments of the sad ceremony as inexpensive as possible. Instead of going into mourning, many now content themselves with wearing a simple band of cloth round the left arm. This is done by women as well as by men.
1975. Visits of Condolence
Visits of condolence after funerals should be paid by relatives within from a week to a fortnight; by friends within the second week of the fortnight; friends of less intimacy should make enquiries and leave cards.
1976. Correspondence
Correspondence with families in mourning should be upon black-edged paper, if from members of the family; or upon the ordinary notepaper, but sealed with black, if from friends.
1977. Ceremonies
All ceremonies are in themselves superficial things; yet a man of the world should know them. They are the outworks of manners and decency, which would be too often broken in upon, if it were not for that defence which keeps the enemy at a proper distance. It is for that reason we always treat fools and coxcombs with great ceremony, true good-breeding not being a sufficient barrier against them.
1978. Love's Telegraph
If a gentleman want a wife, he wears a ring on the
first
finger of the left hand; if he be engaged, he wears it on the
second
finger; if married, on the
third
; and on the fourth if he never intends to be married. When a lady is not engaged, she wears a hoop or diamond on her
first
finger; if engaged, on the
second
; if married, on the
third
; and on the fourth if she intends to die unmarried. When a gentleman presents a fan, flower, or trinket, to a lady with the
left
hand, this, on his part, is an overture of regard; should she receive it with the
left
hand, it is considered as an acceptance of his esteem; but if with the
right
hand, it is a refusal of the offer. Thus, by a few simple tokens explained by rule, the passion of love is expressed; and through the medium of the telegraph, the most timid and diffident man may, without difficulty, communicate his sentiments of regard to a lady, and, in case his offer should be refused, avoid experiencing the mortification of an explicit refusal.
1979. Wedding Rings
The custom of wearing wedding rings appears to have taken its rise among the Romans. Before the celebration of their nuptials, there was a meeting of friends at the house of the lady's father, to settle articles of the marriage contract, when it was agreed that the dowry should be paid down on the wedding day or soon after. On this occasion there was commonly a feast, at the conclusion of which the man gave to the woman, as a pledge, a ring, which she put on the fourth finger of her left hand,
because it was believed that a nerve reached thence to the heart
, and a day was then named for the marriage.
1980. Why the Wedding Ring is placed on the Fourth Finger
"We have remarked on the vulgar error which supposes that an artery runs from the fourth finger of the left hand to the heart. It is said by Swinburn and others, that therefore it became the wedding finger. The priesthood kept up this idea by still retaining it as the wedding finger, but the custom is really associated with the doctrine of the Trinity; for, in the ancient ritual of English marriages, the ring was placed by the husband on the top of the thumb of the left hand, with the words, 'In the name of the father;' he then removed it to the forefinger, saying, 'In the name of the Son;' then to the middle finger, adding, 'And of the Holy Ghost;' finally, he left it as now, on the fourth finger, with the closing word, 'Amen.' "
The History and Poetry of Finger Rings.
1981. The Art of being Agreeable
The true art of being agreeable is to appear well pleased with all the company, and rather to seem well entertained with them than to bring entertainment to them. A man thus disposed, perhaps may not have much learning, nor any wit; but if he has common sense and something friendly in his behaviour, it conciliates men's minds more than the brightest parts without this disposition; and when a man of such a turn comes up to old age, he is almost sure to be treated with respect. It is true, indeed, that we should not dissemble and flatter in company; but a man may be very agreeable, strictly, consistent with truth and sincerity, by a prudent silence where he cannot concur, and a pleasing assent where he can. Now and then you meet a person so exactly formed to please, that he will gain upon everyone that hears or beholds him: this disposition is not merely the gift of nature, but frequently the effect of much knowledge of the world, and a command over the passions.
1982. Artificial Manners
Artificial manners, and such as spring from good taste and refinement, can never be mistaken, and differ as widely as gold and tinsel. How captivating is gentleness of manner derived from true humility, and how faint is every imitation! That suavity of manner which renders a real gentlewoman courteous to all, and careful to avoid giving offence, is often copied by those who merely subject themselves to certain rules of etiquette: but very awkward is the copy. Warm professions of regard are bestowed on those who do not expect them, and the esteem which is due to merit appears to be lavished on every one alike. And as true humility, blended with a right appreciation of self-respect, gives a pleasing cast to the countenance, so from a sincere and open disposition springs that artlessness of manner which disarms all prejudice. Feeling, on the contrary, is ridiculous when affected, and, even when real, should not be too openly manifested. Let the manners arise from the mind, and let there be no disguise for the genuine emotions of the heart.
1983. Hints upon Personal Manners
It is sometimes objected to books upon etiquette that they cause those who consult them to act with mechanical restraint, and to show in society that they are governed by arbitrary rules, rather than by an intuitive perception of what is graceful and polite.
1984. Unsound Objection
This objection is unsound because it supposes that people who study the theory of etiquette do not also exercise their powers of observation in society, and obtain, by their intercourse with others, that freedom and ease of deportment which society alone can impart.
Better Go to Bed Supperless than Rise in Debt.
1985. Books upon Etiquette
Books upon Etiquette are useful, inasmuch as they expound the laws of polite society. Experience alone, however, can give effect to the
precise
manner in which those laws are required to be observed.
1986. Simple Hints
Whatever objections may be raised to the teachings of works upon etiquette, there can be no sound argument against a series of simple and brief hints, which shall operate as precautions against mistakes in personal conduct.
1987. No Gossip
Avoid intermeddling with the affairs of others. This is a most common fault. A number of people seldom meet but they begin discussing the affairs of some one who is absent. This is not only uncharitable, but positively unjust. It is equivalent to trying a
cause in the absence of the person implicated
. Even in the criminal code a prisoner is presumed to be innocent until he is found guilty. Society, however, is less just, and passes judgment without hearing the defence. Depend upon it, as a certain rule,
that the people who unite with you in discussing the affairs of others will proceed to your affairs and conduct in your absence
.
1988. Consistent Principles
Be consistent in the avowal of Principles. Do not deny to-day that which you asserted yesterday. If you do, you will stultify yourself, and your opinions will soon be found to have no weight. You may fancy that you gain favour by subserviency; but so far from gaining favour, you lose respect.
1989. Avoid Falsehood
Avoid falsehood. There can be found no higher virtue than the love of truth. The man who deceives others must himself become the victim of morbid distrust. Knowing the deceit of his own heart, and the falsehood of his own tongue, his eyes must be always filled with suspicion, and he must lose the greatest of all happiness—confidence in those who surround him.
1990. Elements of Manly Character
The following elements of manly character are worthy of frequent meditation:
To be wise in his disputes.
To be a lamb in his home.
To be brave in battle and great in moral courage.
To be discreet in public.
To be a bard in his chair.
To be a teacher in his household.
To be a council in his nation.
To be an arbitrator in his vicinity.
To be a hermit in his church.
To be a legislator in his country.
To be conscientious in his actions.
To be happy in his life.
To be diligent in his calling.
To be just in his dealing.
To do whatever he doeth as being done unto God, and not unto men.
1991. Good Temper
Avoid Manifestations of Ill-temper. Reason is given for man's guidance. Passion is the tempest by which reason is overthrown. Under the effects of passion, man's mind becomes disordered, his face disfigured, his body deformed. A moment's passion has frequently cut off a life's friendship, destroyed a life's hope, embittered a life's peace, and brought unending sorrow and disgrace. It is scarcely worth while to enter into a comparative analysis of ill-temper and passion; they are alike discreditable, alike injurious, and should stand equally condemned.
1992. Be Humble
Avoid Pride. If you are handsome, God made you so; if you are learned, some one instructed you; if you are rich, God gave you what you own. It is for others to perceive your goodness; but you should be blind to your own merits. There can be no comfort in deeming yourself better than you really are: that is self-deception. The best men throughout all history have been the most humble.
1993. Affectation is a Form of Pride
It is, in fact, pride made ridiculous and contemptible. Some one writing upon affectation has remarked as follows:
"If anything will sicken and disgust a man, it is the affected, mincing way in which some people choose to talk. It is perfectly nauseous. If these young jackanapes, who screw their words into all manner of diabolical shapes, could only feel how perfectly disgusting they were, it might induce them to drop it. With many, it soon becomes such a confirmed habit that they cannot again be taught to talk in a plain, straightforward, manly way. In the lower order of ladies' boarding-schools, and indeed, too much everywhere, the same sickening, mincing tone is too often found. Do, pray, good people, do talk in your natural tone, if you don't wish to be utterly ridiculous and contemptible."
1994. Vulgarity
We have adopted the foregoing Paragraph because we approve of some of its sentiments, but chiefly because it shows that persons who object to affectation may go to the other extreme—vulgarity. It is vulgar, we think, to call even the most affected people "jackanapes, who screw their words into all manner of diabolical shapes." Avoid vulgarity in manner, in speech, and in correspondence. To conduct yourself vulgarly is to offer offence to those who are around you; to bring upon yourself the condemnation of persons of good taste; and to incur the penalty of exclusion from good society. Thus, cast among the vulgar, you become the victim of your own error.
1995. Avoid Swearing
An oath is but the wrath of a perturbed spirit. It is
mean
. A man of high moral standing would rather treat an offence with contempt than show his indignation by an oath. It is
vulgar
, altogether too low for a decent man. It is
cowardly
, implying a fear either of not being believed or obeyed. It is
ungentlemanly
, A gentleman, according to Webster, is a
genteel
man—well-bred, refined. It is
indecent
, offensive to delicacy, and extremely unfit for human ears. It is
foolish
. "Want of decency is want of sense." It is
abusive
—to the mind which conceives the oath, to the tongue which utters it, and to the person at whom it is aimed. It is
venomous
, showing a man's heart to be as a nest of vipers; and every time he swears, one of them starts out from his head. It is
contemptible
, forfeiting the respect of all the wise and good. It is
wicked
, violating the Divine law, and provoking the displeasure of Him who will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
1996. Be a Gentleman
Moderation, decorum, and neatness distinguish the gentleman; he is at all times affable, diffident, and studious to please. Intelligent and polite, his behaviour is pleasant and graceful. When he enters the dwelling of an inferior, he endeavours to hide, if possible, the difference between their ranks of life; ever willing to assist those around him, he is neither unkind, haughty, nor over-bearing. In the mansions of the rich, the correctness of his mind induces him to bend to etiquette, but not to stoop to adulation; correct principle cautions him to avoid the gaming-table, inebriety, or any other foible that could occasion him self-reproach. Gratified with the pleasures of reflection, he rejoices to see the gaieties of society, and is fastidious upon no point of little import. Appear only to be a gentleman, and its shadow will bring upon you contempt; be a gentleman, and its honours will remain even after you are dead.
1997. The Happy Man, or True Gentleman
How happy is he born or taught, That serveth not another's will, Whose armour is his honest thought, And simple truth his only skill: Whose passions not his masters are. Whose soul is still prepared for death Not tied unto the world with care Of prince's ear, or vulgar breath: Who hath his life from rumours freed, Whose conscience is his strong retreat Whose state can neither flatterers feed. Nor ruin make oppressors great, Who God doth late and early pray More of His grace than gifts to lend; And entertains the harmless day With a well-chosen book or friend; This man is freed from servile bands, Of hope to rise or fear to fall; Lord of himself, though not of lands, And having nothing, yet hath all.
Sir Henry Wotton
, 1530.
Riches are but the Baggage of Fortune.
1998. Be Honest
Not only because "honesty is the best policy," but because it is a duty to God and to man. The heart that can be gratified by dishonest gains; the ambition that can be satisfied by dishonest means; the mind that can be devoted to dishonest purposes, must be of the worst order.
1999. General Principles
Having laid down these General Principles for the government of personal conduct, we will epitomize what we would still enforce:
2000. Idleness
Avoid Idleness. It is the parent of many evils. Can you pray, "Give us this day our daily bread," and not hear the reply, "Do thou this day thy daily duty"?
2001. Idle Tales
Avoid telling Idle Tales, which is like firing arrows in the dark: you know not into whose heart they may fall.
2002. Self-Praise
Avoid talking about yourself, praising your own works, and proclaiming your own deeds. If they are good they will proclaim themselves, if bad, the less you say of them the better.
2003. Envy
Avoid Envy; for it cannot benefit you, nor can it injure those against whom it is cherished.
2004. Disputation
Avoid Disputation for the mere sake of argument. The man who disputes obstinately, and in a bigoted spirit, is like the man who would stop the fountain from which he should drink. Earnest discussion is commendable; but factious argument never yet produced a good result.
2005. Kindness
Be Kind in Little Things. —The true generosity of the heart is more displayed by deeds of minor kindness, than by acts which may partake of ostentation.
2006. Politeness
Be Polite.—Politeness is the poetry of conduct—and like poetry, it has many qualities. Let not your politeness be too florid, but of that gentle kind which indicates a refined nature.