A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Volume 09 · Chapter 30Actus Quartus, Scaena Prima
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MEN. Prythee, Nam, be persuaded: is't not better to go to a feast, than stay here for a fray?
ANA. A feast? dost think Auditus will make the judges a feast?
MEN. Faith, ay. Why should he carry them to his house else?
ANA. Why, sirrah, to hear a set or two of songs: 'slid, his banquets are nothing but fish, all sol, sol, sol.[275] I'll teach thee wit, boy; never go thee to a musician's house for junkets, unless thy stomach lies in thine ears; for there is nothing but commending this song's delicate air, that ode's dainty air, this sonnet's sweet air, that madrigal's melting air, this dirge's mournful air: this church air, that chamber air: French air, English air, Italian air. Why, lad, they be pure camelions; they feed only upon air.
MEN. Camelions? I'll be sworn some of your fiddlers be rather camels, for by their good wills they will never leave eating.
ANA. True, and good reason, for they do nothing all the day but stretch and grate their small guts. But, O, yonder's the ape Heuresis; let me go, I prythee.
MEN. Nay, good-now, stay a little, let's see his humour.
HEU. I see no reason to the contrary, for we see the quintessence of wine will convert water into wine; why therefore should not the elixir of gold turn lead into pure gold? [Soliloquises.]
MEN. Ha, ha, ha, ha! He is turned chemic, sirrah; it seems so by his talk.
HEU. But how shall I devise to blow the fire of beechcoals with a continual and equal blast? ha? I will have my bellows driven with a wheel, which wheel shall be a self-mover.
ANA. Here's old turning[276]; these chemics, seeking to turn lead into gold, turn away all their own silver.
HEU. And my wheel shall be geometrically proportioned into seven or nine concave encircled arms, wherein I will put equal poises: ay, ay; [Greek: heureka, heureka] I have it, I have it, I have it.
MEN. Heuresis!
HEU. But what's best to contain the quicksilver, ha?
ANA. Do you remember your promise, Heuresis?
HEU. It must not be iron; for quicksilver is the tyrant of metals, and will soon fret it.
ANA. Heuresis? Heuresis?
HEU. Nor brass, nor copper, nor mastlin[277], nor mineral: [Greek: heureka, heureka] I have it, I have it, it must be—
ANA. You have, indeed, sirrah, and thus much more than you looked for. [Snap.
[HEURESIS and ANAMNESTES about to fight, but MENDACIO parts them.
MEN. You shall not fight; but if you will always disagree, let us have words and no blows. Heuresis, what reason have you to fall out with him?
HEU. Because he is always abusing me, and takes the upper hand of me everywhere.
ANA. And why not, sirrah? I am thy better in any place.
HEU. Have I been the author of the seven liberal sciences, and consequently of all learning, have I been the patron of all mechanical devices, to be thy inferior? I tell thee, Anamnestes, thou hast not so much as a point, but thou art beholding to me for it.
ANA. Good, good; but what had your invention been, but for my remembrance? I can prove that thou, belly-sprung invention, art the most improfitable member in the world; for ever since thou wert born, thou hast been a bloody murderer; and thus I prove it: In the quiet years of Saturn (I remember Jupiter was then but in his swathe-bands), thou rentest the bowels of the earth, and broughtest gold to light, whose beauty, like Helen, set all the world by the ears. Then, upon that, thou foundest out iron, and puttest weapons in their hands, and now in the last populous age thou taughtest a scabshin friar the hellish invention of powder and guns.
HEU. Call'st it hellish? thou liest! It is the admirablest invention of all others, for whereas others imitate nature, this excels nature herself.
MEM. True; for a cannon will kill as many at one shot as thunder doth commonly at twenty.
ANA. Therefore more murdering art thou than the light-bolt[278].
HEU. But to show the strength of my conceit, I have found out a means to withstand the stroke of the most violent culverin. Mendacio, thou saw'st it, when I demonstrated the invention.
ANA. What, some woolpacks or mud walls, or such like?
HEU. Mendacio, I prythee tell it him, for I love not to be a trumpeter of mine own praises.
MEN. I must needs confess this device to pass all that ever I heard or saw, and thus it was—first he takes a falcon, and charges it (without all deceits) with dry powder well-camphired[279], then did he put in a single bullet, and a great quantity of drop-shot both round and lachrymal. This done, he sets me a boy sixty paces off, just point blank over against the mouth of the piece. Now in the very midst of the direct line he fastens a post, upon which he hangs me in a cord a siderite of Herculean stone[280].
ANA. Well, well, I know it well, it was found out in Ida, in the year of the world —— by one Magnes, whose name it retains, though vulgarly they call it the Adamant.
MEN. When he had hanged this adamant in a cord, he comes back, and gives fire to the touchhole: now the powder consumed to a void vacuum—
HEU. Which is intolerable in nature, for first shall the whole machine of the world, heaven, earth, sea, and air, return to the misshapen house of Chaos, than the least vacuum be found in the universe.
MEN. The bullet and drop-shot flew most impetuously from the fiery throat of the culverin; but, O, strange, no sooner came they near the adamant in the cord, but they were all arrested by the serjeant of nature, and hovered in the air round about it, till they had lost the force of their motion, clasping themselves close to the stone in most lovely manner, and not any one flew to endanger the mark; so much did they remember their duty to nature, that they forgot the errand they were sent of.
ANA. This is a very artificial lie.
MEN. Nam, believe it, for I saw it, and which is more, I have practised this device often. Once when I had a quarrel with one of my lady Veritas' naked knaves, and had 'ppointed him the field, I conveyed into the heart of my buckler an adamant, and when we met, I drew all the foins of his rapier, whithersoever he intended them, or howsoever I guided mine arm, pointed still to the midst of my buckler, so that by this means I hurt the knave mortally, and myself came away untouched, to the wonder of all the beholders.
ANA. Sirrah, you speak metaphorically, because thy wit, Mendacio, always draws men's objections to thy forethought excuses.
HEU. Anamnestes, 'tis true, and I have an addition to this, which is to make the bullet shot from the enemy to return immediately upon the gunner. But let all these pass, and say the worst thou canst against me.
ANA. I say, guns were found out for the quick despatch of mortality; and when thou sawest men grow wise, and beget so fair a child as Peace of so foul and deformed a mother as War, lest there should be no murder, thou devisedst poison.
MEN. Nay, fie, Nam, urge him not too far.
ANA. And last and worst, thou foundest out cookery, that kills more than weapons, guns, wars, or poisons, and would destroy all, but that thou invented'st physic, that helps to make away some.
HEU. But, sirrah, besides all this, I devised pillories for such forging villains as thyself.
ANA. Call'st me villain?
[They fight, and are parted by MENDACIO.
MEN. You shall not fight as long as I am here. Give over, I say.
HEU. Mendacio, you offer me great wrong to hold me: in good faith, I shall fall out with you.
MEN. Away, away, away; you are Invention, are you not?
HEU. Yes, sir; what then?
MEN. And you Remembrance?
ANA. Well, sir, well?
MEN. Then I will be Judicium, the moderator betwixt you, and make you both friends; come, come, shake hands, shake hands.
HEU. Well, well, if you will needs have it so.
ANA. I am in some sort content.
[MENDACIO walks with them, holding them by the hands.
MEN. Why, this is as it should be; when Mendacio hath Invention on the one hand, and Remembrance on the other, as he'll be sure never to be found with truth in his mouth, so he scorns to be taken in a lie. Eh, eh, eh, my fine wags? Whist!
[COMMUNIS SENSUS and the rest are seen to approach.]
ANA. Whist!
HEU. Whist!
COMMUNIS SENSUS, MEMORY, PHANTASTES, HEURESIS, ANAMNESTES, take their places on the bench as before, AUDITUS on the stage, a page before him, bearing his target, the field Sable, a heart Or; next him TRAGEDUS apparelled in black velvet, fair buskins, a falchion, &c.; then COMEDUS, in a light-coloured green taffeta robe, silk stockings, pumps, gloves, &c.
COMMUNIS SENSUS, MEMORY, PHANTASTES, HEURESIS, ANAMNESTES, &c.
COM. SEN. They had some reason that held the soul a harmony, for it is greatly delighted with music; how fast we were tied by the ears to the consort of Voice's power! but all is but a little pleasure; what profitable objects hath he?
PHA. Your ears will teach you presently, for now he is coming. That fellow in the bays, methinks I should have known him; O, 'tis Comedus, 'tis so; but he has become nowadays something humorous, and too-too satirical up and down, like his great grandfather Aristophanes.
ANA. These two, my lord, Comedus and Tragedus, My fellows both, both twins, but so unlike, As birth to death, wedding to funeral. For this, that rears himself in buskins quaint, Is pleasant at the first, proud in the midst, Stately in all, and bitter death at end. That in the pumps doth frown at first acquaintance, Trouble in the midst, but in the end concludes, Closing up all with a sweet catastrophe. This grave and sad, distain'd with brinish tears; That light and quick with wrinkled laughter[281] painted; This deals with nobles, kings, and emperors, Full of great fears, great hopes, great enterprises. This other trades with men of mean condition: His projects small, small hopes, and dangers little. This gorgeous-broider'd with rich sentences: That fair and purfled round with merriments. Both vice detect and virtue beautify, By being death's mirror, and life's looking-glass.
COM[282]. Salutem primum jam a principio propitiam. Mihi atque vobis, spectatores, nuntio[283]—
PHA. Pish, pish, this is a speech with no action; let's hear Terence, Quid igitur faciam, &c.
COM. _Quid igitur faciam? non eam? ne nunc quidem, Cum arcessor ultro?[284]
PHA. Fie, fie, fie, no more action! lend me your bays, do it thus—Quid igitur, &c. [He acts it after the old kind of pantomimic action.
COM. SEN. I should judge this action, Phantastes, most absurd, unless we should come to a comedy, as gentlewomen to the Commencement[285], only to see men speak.
PHA. In my imagination, 'tis excellent; for in this kind the hand, you know, is harbinger to the tongue, and provides the words a lodging in the ears of the auditors.
COM. SEN. Auditus, it is now time you make us acquainted with the quality of the house you keep in, for our better help in judgment.
AUD. Upon the sides of fair mount Cephalon Have I two houses passing human skill: Of finest matter by Dame Nature wrought, Whose learned fingers have adorn'd the same With gorgeous porches of so strange a form, That they command the passengers to stay. The doors whereof in hospitality Nor day nor night are shut, but, open wide, Gently invite all comers; whereupon They are named the open ears of Cephalon. But lest some bolder sound should boldly rush, And break the nice composure of the work, The skilful builder wisely hath enrang'd An entry from each port with curious twines And crook'd meanders, like the labyrinth That Daedalus fram'd t'enclose the Minotaur; At th'end whereof is plac'd a costly portal, Resembling much the figure of a drum, Granting slow entrance to a private closet. Where daily, with a mallet in my hand, I set and frame all words and sounds that come Upon an anvil, and so make them fit For the periwinkling porch[286], that winding leads From my close chamber to your lordship's cell. Thither do I, chief justice of all accents, Psyche's next porter, Microcosm's front, Learning's rich treasure, bring discipline, Reason's discourse, knowledge of foreign states, Loud fame of great heroes' virtuous deeds; The marrow of grave speeches, and the flowers Of quickest wits, neat jests, and pure conceits; And oftentimes, to ease the heavy burthen Of government your lordship's shoulders bear, I thither do conduce the pleasing nuptials Of sweetest instruments with heavenly noise. If then Auditus have deserv'd the best, Let him be dignified before the rest.
COM. SEN. Auditus, I am almost a sceptic in this matter, scarce knowing which way the balance of the cause will decline. When I have heard the rest, I will despatch judgment; meanwhile, you may depart.
[AUDITUS leads his show about the stage, and then goes out.
COMMUNIS SENSUS, MEMORIA, PHANTASTES, ANAMNESTES, HEURESIS, as before; OLFACTUS in a garment of several flowers, a page before him, bearing his target, his field Vert, a hound Argent, two boys with casting-bottles[287], and two censers with incense[288], another with a velvet cushion stuck with flowers, another with a basket of herbs, another with a box of ointment. OLFACTUS leads them about, and, making obeisance, presents them before the Bench.
1ST BOY. Your only way to make a good pomander[289] is this:—Take an ounce of the purest garden mould, cleansed and steeped seven days in change of motherless rosewater; then take the best ladanum, benzoine, both storaxes, ambergris, civet, and musk: incorporate them together, and work them into what form you please. This, if your breath be not too valiant, will make you smell as sweet as my lady's dog.
PHA. This boy, it should seem, represents Odour, he is so perfect a perfumer.
ODOUR. I do, my lord, and have at my command The smell of flowers and odoriferous drugs, Of ointments sweet and excellent perfumes, And courtlike waters, which if once you smell, You in your heart would wish, as I suppose, That all your body were transform'd to nose.
PHA. Olfactus, of all the Senses, your objects have the worst luck; they are always jarring with their contraries; for none can wear civet, but they are suspected of a proper bad scent[290]; whence the proverb springs, He smelleth best, that doth of nothing smell.
The Bench and OLFACTUS, as before. TOBACCO, apparelled in a taffeta mantle, his arms brown and naked, buskins made of the peeling of osiers, his neck bare, hung with Indian leaves, his face brown, painted with blue stripes, in his nose swines' teeth, on his head a painted wicker crown with tobacco-pipes set in it, plumes of tobacco leaves, led by two Indian boys naked, with tapers in their hands, tobacco-boxes, and pipes lighted.
PHA. Foh, foh, what a smell is here! Is this one of your delightful objects?
OLF. It is your only scent in request, sir.
COM. SEN. What fiery fellow is that, which smokes so much in the mouth?
OLF. It is the great and puissant God of Tobacco.
TOB. Ladoch guevarroh pufuer shelvaro baggon, Olfia di quanon, Indi cortilo vraggon.
PHA. Ha, ha, ha, ha! this, in my opinion, is the tongue of the Antipodes.
MEM. No, I remember it very well, it was the language the Arcadians spake that lived long before the moon.
COM. SEN. What signifies it, Olfactus?
OLF. This is the mighty Emperor Tobacco, king of Trinidado, that, in being conquered, conquered all Europe, in making them pay tribute for their smoke.
TOB. Erfronge inglues conde hesingo, Develin floscoth ma pu cocthingo.
OLF. Expeller of catarrhs, banisher of all agues, your guts' only salve for the green wounds of a non-plus.
TOB. All vulcam vercu, I parda pora si de gratam, ka famala mora, che Bauho respartera, quirara.
OLF. Son to the god Vulcan and Tellus, kin to the father of mirth, called Bacchus.
TOB. Viscardonok, pillostuphe, pascano tinaromagas, Pagi dagon stollisinfe, carocibato scribas.
OLF. Genius of all swaggerers, professed enemy to physicians, sweet ointment for sour teeth, firm knot of good fellowship, adamant of company, swift wind to spread the wings of time, hated of none but those that know him not, and of so great deserts that, whoso is acquainted with him can hardly forsake him.
PHA. It seems these last words were very significant. I promise you, a god of great denomination; he may be my Lord Tappes for his large titles[291].
COM. SEN. But forward, Olfactus, as they have done before you, with your description?
OLF. Just in the midst of Cephalon's round face, As 'twere a frontispiece unto the hill, Olfactus' lodging built in figure long, Doubly disparted with two precious vaults, The roofs whereof most richly are enclos'd With orient pearls and sparkling diamonds Beset at th'end with emerauds and turchis[292], And rubies red and flaming chrysolites, At upper end whereof, in costly manner, I lay my head between two spongeous pillows, Like fair Adonis 'twixt the paps of Venus, Where I, conducting in and out the wind, Daily examine all the air inspir'd By my pure searching, if that it be pure, And fit to serve the lungs with lively breath: Hence do I likewise minister perfume[s] Unto the neighbour brain—perfumes of force To cleanse your head, and make your fancy bright, To refine wit and sharp[293] invention, And strengthen memory: from whence it came, That old devotion incense did ordain To make man's spirit more apt for things divine. Besides a thousand more commodities, In lieu whereof your lordships I request, Give me the crown, if I deserve it best.
[OLFACTUS leads his company about the stage, and goes out.
The Bench as before. A page with a shield Argent, an ape proper with an apple; then GUSTUS with a cornucopia in his hand. BACCHUS in a garland of leaves and grapes, a white suit, and over it a thin sarcenet to his foot, in his hand a spear wreathed with vine leaves, on his arm a target with a tiger. CERES with a crown of ears of corn, in a yellow silk robe, a bunch of poppy in her hand, a scutcheon charged with a dragon.
COM. SEN. In good time, Gustus. Have you brought your objects?
GUS. My servant Appetitus followeth with them.
APP. Come, come, Bacchus, you are so fat; enter, enter.
PHA. Fie, fie, Gustus! this is a great indecorum to bring Bacchus alone; you should have made Thirst lead him by the hand.
GUS. Right, sir; but men nowadays drink often when they be not dry; besides, I could not get red herrings and dried neats' tongues enough to apparel him in.
COM. SEN. What, never a speech of him?
GUS. I put an octave of iambics in his mouth, and he hath drunk it down.
APP. Well done, muscadine and eggs stand hot. What, buttered claret? go thy way, thou hadst best; for blind men that cannot see how wickedly thou look'st—How now, what small, thin fellow are you here? ha?
BOY. Beer, forsooth: Beer, forsooth.
APP. Beer forsooth, get you gone to the buttery, till I call for you; you are none of Bacchus's attendants, I am sure; he cannot endure the smell of malt. Where's Ceres? O, well, well, is the march-pane broken? Ill luck, ill luck! Come hang't, never stand to set it together again. Serve out fruit there.
[Enter boys with a banquet, marmalade, sweets, &c.; deliver it round among the gentlewomen, and go out.]
What, do you come with roast-meat after apples? Away with it. Digestion, serve out cheese. What, but a pennyworth! It is just the measure of his nose that sold it! Lamb's wool, the meekest meat in the world; 'twill let any man fleece it. Snapdragon there!
MEM. O, I remember this dish well: it was first invented by Pluto, to entertain Proserpina withal.
PHA. I think not so, Memory; for when Hercules had killed the flaming dragon of Hesperia with the apples of that orchard, he made this fiery meat; in memory whereof he named it Snapdragon.
COM. SEN. Gustus, let's hear your description?
GUS. Near to the lowly base of Cephalon, My house is plac'd not much unlike a cave: Yet arch'd above by wondrous workmanship, With hewen stones wrought smoother and more fine Than jet or marble fair from Iceland brought. Over the door directly doth incline A fair percullis of compacture strong, To shut out all that may annoy the state Or health of Microcosm; and within Is spread a long board like a pliant tongue, At which I hourly sit, and trial take Of meats and drinks needful and delectable: Twice every day do I provision make For the sumptuous kitchen of the commonwealth; Which, once well-boil'd, is soon distributed To all the members, well refreshing them With good supply of strength-renewing food. Should I neglect this nursing[294] diligence, The body of the realm would ruinate; Yourself, my lord, with all your policies And wondrous wit, could not preserve yourself: Nor you, Phantastes; nor you, Memory. Psyche herself, were't not that I repair Her crazy house with props of nourishment, Would soon forsake us: for whose dearest sake Many a grievous pain have I sustain'd By bitter pills and sour purgations; Which if I had not valiantly abiden, She had been long ere this departed. Since the whole Microcosm I maintain, Let me, as Prince, above the Senses reign.
COM. SEN. The reasons you urge, Gustus, breed a new doubt, whether it be commodious or necessary, the resolution whereof I refer to your judgment, licensing you meanwhile to depart.
[GUSTUS leads his show about the stage, and goes out.
The Bench as before; TACTUS, a page before him bearing his scutcheon, a tortoise Sable.
TAC. Ready anon, forsooth! the devil she will! Who would be toil'd with wenches in a show?
COM. SEN. Why in such anger, Tactus? what's the matter?
TAC. My lord, I had thought, as other Senses did, By sight of objects to have prov'd my worth; Wherefore considering that, of all the things That please me most, women are counted chief, I had thought to have represented in my show The queen of pleasure, Venus and her son, Leading a gentleman enamoured With his sweet touching of his mistress' lips, And gentle griping of her tender hands, And divers pleasant relishes of touch, Yet all contained in the bounds of chastity.
PHA. Tactus, of all I long to see your objects; How comes it we have lost those pretty sports?
TAC. Thus 'tis: five hours ago I set a dozen maids to attire a boy like a nice gentlewoman; but there is such doing with their looking-glasses, pinning, unpinning, setting, unsetting, formings and conformings; painting blue veins and cheeks; such stir with sticks and combs, cascanets, dressings, purls, falls, squares, busks, bodies, scarfs, necklaces, carcanets, rebatoes, borders, tires, fans, palisadoes, puffs, ruffs, cuffs, muffs, pusles, fusles, partlets, frislets, bandlets, fillets, crosslets, pendulets, amulets, annulets, bracelets, and so many lets, that yet she's scarce dressed to the girdle; and now there is such calling for fardingales, kirtles, busk-points, shoe-ties, &c., that seven pedlars' shops—nay, all Stourbridge fair, will scarce furnish her. A ship is sooner rigged by far, than a gentlewoman made ready.
PHA. 'Tis strange that women, being so mutable, Will never change in changing their apparel.
COM. SEN. Well, let them pass; Tactus, we are content To know your dignity by relation.
TAC. The instrument of instruments, the hand, Courtesy's index, chamberlain to nature, The body's soldier, and mouth's caterer, Psyche's great secretary, the dumb's eloquence, The blind man's candle, and his forehead's buckler, The minister of wrath, and friendship's sign, This is my instrument: nevertheless my power Extends itself far as our queen commands, Through all the parts and climes of Microcosm. I am the root of life, spreading my virtue By sinews, that extend from head to foot To every living part. For as a subtle spider, closely sitting In centre of her web that spreadeth round, If the least fly but touch the smallest thread, She feels it instantly; so doth myself, Casting my slender nerves and sundry nets O'er every particle of all the body, By proper skill perceive the difference Of several qualities, hot, cold, moist, and dry; Hard, soft, rough, smooth, clammy, and slippery: Sweet pleasure and sharp pain profitable, That makes us (wounded) seek for remedy. By these means do I teach the body fly From such bad things as may endanger it. A wall of brass can be no more defence Unto a town than I to Microcosm. Tell me what Sense is not beholden to me? The nose is hot or cold, the eyes do weep, The ears do feel, the taste's a kind of touching: Thus, when I please, I can command them all, And make them tremble, when I threaten them. I am the eldest and biggest of all the rest, The chiefest note and first distinction Betwixt a living tree and living beast; For though one hear and see, and smell and taste, If he wants touch, he is counted but a block. Therefore, my lord, grant me the royalty; Of whom there is such great necessity.
COM. SEN. Tactus, stand aside. You, sirrah Anamnestes, tell the Senses we expect their appearance.
ANA. At your lordship's pleasure.
[Exit ANAMNESTES.
COMMUNIS SENSUS, PHANTASTES, MEMORIA, HEURESIS, ANAMNESTES, _upon the Bench consulting among themselves. _VISUS, AUDITUS, TACTUS, GUSTUS, and OLFACTUS, every one with his shield upon his arm. LINGUA, and MENDACIO with them.
COM. SEN. Though you deserve no small punishment for these uproars, yet at the request of these my assistants I remit it; and by the power of judgment our gracious sovereign Psyche hath given me, thus I determine of your controversies: hum! By your former objects, instruments and reasons, I conceive the state of sense to be divided into two parts; one of commodity, the other of necessity; both which are either for our queen or for our country; but as the soul is more excellent than the body, so are the Senses that profit the soul to be estimated before those that are needful for the body. Visus and Auditus, serve yourselves. Master Register, give me the crown; because it is better to be well, than simply to be, therefore I judge the crown by right to belong to you of the commodity's part, and the robe to you of the necessity's side: and since you, Visus, are the author of invention, and you, Auditus, of increase and addition to the same, seeing it is more excellent to invent than to augment, I establish you, Visus, the better of the two, and chief of all the rest: in token whereof I bestow upon you this crown, to wear at your liberty.
VIS. I most humbly thank your lordships.
COM. SEN. But lest I should seem to neglect you, Auditus, I here choose you to be the lord intelligencer to Psyche her majesty: and you, Olfactus, we bestow upon you the chief priesthood of Microcosm, perpetually to offer incense in her majesty's temple. As for you, Tactus, upon your reasons alleged I bestow upon you the robe.
TAC. I accept it most gratefully at your just hands, and will wear it in the dear remembrance of your good lordship.
COM. SEN. And lastly, Gustus, we elect you Psyche's only taster, and great purveyor for all her dominions both by sea and land, in her realm of Microcosm.
GUS. We thank your lordship, and rest well content with equal arbitrament.
COM. SEN. Now for you, Lingua.
LIN. I beseech your honour, let me speak; I will neither trouble the company, nor offend your patience.
COM. SEN. I cannot stay so long; we have consulted about you, and find your cause to stand upon these terms and conditions. The number of the Senses in this world is answerable to the first[295] bodies in the great world: now, since there be but fire in the universe, the four elements and the pure substance of the heavens, therefore there can be but five Senses in our Microcosm, correspondent to those; as the sight to the heavens, hearing to the air, touching to the earth, smelling to the fire, tasting to the water, by which five means only the understanding is able to apprehend the knowledge of all corporeal substances: wherefore we judge you to be no sense simply: only thus much we from henceforth pronounce, that all women for your sake shall have six senses—that is, seeing hearing, tasting, smelling, touching, and the last and feminine sense, the sense of speaking.
GUS. I beseech your lordship and your assistants (the only cause of our friendship) to grace my table with your most welcome presence this night at supper.
COM. SEN. I am sorry I cannot stay with you: you know we may by no means omit our daily attendance at the court, therefore I pray you pardon us.
GUS. I hope I shall not have the denial at your hands, my masters, and you, my Lady Lingua. Come, let us drown all our anger in a bowl of hippocras[296].
[Exeunt SENSUS omnes exteriores.
COM. SEN. Come, Master Register, shall we walk?
MEM. I pray you, stay a little. Let me see! ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
PHA. How now, Memory, so merry? what, do you trouble yourself with two palsies at once, shaking and laughing?
MEM. 'Tis a strange thing that men will so confidently oppose themselves against Plato's great year.
PHA. Why not?
MEM. 'Tis as true an opinion as need be; for I remember it very readily now, that this time 49,000 years ago all we were in this very place, and your lordship judged the very same controversy, after the very same manner, in all respects and circumstances alike.
COM. SEN. 'Tis wondrous strange.
ANA. By the same token you held your staff in your right hand, just as you do now; and Master Phantastes stood wondering at you, gaping as wide as you see him.
PHA. Ay, but I did not give you a box on the ear, sirrah, 49,000 years ago, did I? [Snap.]
ANA. I do not remember that, sir.
PHA. This time Plato's twelvemonth to come, look you save your cheeks better.
COM. SEN. But what entertainment had we at court for our long staying?
MEM. Let's go, I'll tell you as we walk.
PHA. If I do not seem pranker[297] now than I did in those days, I'll be hanged.
[Exeunt omnes interiores Sensus: manet LINGUA.
LIN. Why, this is good. By Common Sense's means, Lingua, thou hast fram'd a perfect comedy. They are all good friends, whom thou mad'st enemies; And I am half a Sense: a sweet piece of service, I promise you, a fair step to preferment! Was this the care and labour thou hast taken To bring thy foes together to a banquet, To lose thy crown, and be deluded thus! Well, now I see my cause is desperate, The judgment's pass'd, sentence irrevocable, Therefore I'll be content and clap my hands, And give a plaudite to their proceedings. What, shall I leave my hate begun unperfect? So foully vanquish'd by the spiteful Senses! Shall I, the embassadress of gods and men, That pull'd proud Phoebe from her brightsome sphere, And dark'd Apollo's countenance with a word, Raising at pleasure storms, and winds, and earthquakes, Be overcrow'd, and breathe without revenge? Yet they forsooth, base slaves, must be preferred, And deck themselves with my right ornaments. Doth the all-knowing Phoebus see this shame Without redress? will not the heavens help me? Then shall hell do it; my enchanting tongue Can mount the skies, and in a moment fall From the pole arctic to dark Acheron. I'll make them know mine anger is not spent; Lingua hath power to hurt, and will to do it. Mendacio, come hither quickly, sirrah.
MEN. Madam.
LIN. Hark, hither in thine ear.
MEN. Why do you whisht[298] thus? here's none to hear you.
LIN. I dare not trust these secrets to the earth, E'er since she brought forth reeds, whose babbling noise Told all the world of Midas' ass's ears. [She whispers him in the ear.] Dost understand me?
MEN. Ay, ay, ay—never fear that—there's a jest indeed— Pish, pish—madam—do you think me so foolish?—Tut, tut, doubt not.
LIN. Tell her, if she do not—
MEN. Why do you make any question of it?—what a stir is here—I warrant you—presently! [Exit MENDACIO.
LIN. Well, I'll to supper, and so closely cover The rusty canker of mine iron spite With golden foil of goodly semblances. But if I do not trounce them—
[Exit LINGUA.